12/11/08 Barbie versus Women

It’s crazy that I have traveled more than I ever have while living in New York. Since leaving California I have visited Vegas, Pennsylvania, Virginia, DC, Jersey, Georgia and am headed in Miami for a convention with my company. I am convinced it’s because the states are really close together and it takes like five minutes to be in another place. So like I said I am in Miami and am excited. The weather is great and the sun is shining.

Cities have personalities just as people do. If you asked people for certain characteristics about cities they would be able to supply a pretty finite answer. For instance, everyone thinks that people in California are friendly on the surface but generally materialistic and fake. Because clearly we all live five minutes from the beach and that’s all we do we are not as intelligent as the rest of the world. New York has a reputation of being fast paced. Its people are considered rude and no nonsense. I had never been to South Beach and what I learned was what was important to the inhabitants there. I am just going to list some things I saw.

1) Mannequins with boob jobs. I guess technically it wasn’t a boob job on a mannequin but they were all oversized. Every female mannequin. If they were on a real person they would probably topple over. Just like Barbie. Let’s take a commercial break to talk about Barbie versus a real woman. I’m sure some of you have read this before but humor me.

Real Women
Average woman's height is 5'4"
Their weight is approx. 140 lbs.
They wear a size 14 dress
Their bust is between 36" and 37" (B cup)
Their waist is between 30" and 34"
Their hips average between 40" and 42"
Their shoe size is estimated to be between 8.5 and 9.5

Barbie (as a human)
Barbie's height would be 7'2"
Her weight would be 101 lbs.
She would wear a size 4 dress
Her bust would be 39" (FF cup)
Her waist would be 19" (same as her head)
Her hips would be 33"
Her shoe size would be a 5

Barbie's body would have room for only half of a liver and only a few inches of intestines, as opposed to the usual 26 feet. The result: chronic diarrhea and death from malabsorption & malnutrition. How attractive is that? Chronic diarrhea anyone?

Barbie's neck is twice as long as the average human's which would make it impossible to hold up her head. So she would look like a bobble head?

Barbie's waist is the same circumference as her head. How is that even possible? Talk about hour glass figure. I would imagine watching her eat would be similar to watching a snake eat a whole rat. Its body expands to make room.

Barbie's legs are 50% longer than her arms, whereas the average woman's legs are only 20% longer than her arms.

To look like a Barbie proportionally, a healthy woman would need to add 61 cm to her height, subtract 15 cm from her waist, add 13 cm to her chest, and 8 to her neck length. I wouldn’t mind the addition of 13cm to my chest. Just kidding. Kind of.

If a woman had the same measurements as Barbie, she would not have enough body fat to menstruate (and obviously to have children). On some days that would seem tempting but I’ll take kids for $500 Bob.

There are 3 billion women on the planet who don't look like Barbie; only 8 women come close.
Barbie would be unable to walk upright (she would need to walk on all 4's): her feet are so proportionately small that her chest would pull her perpetually forward onto her toes.

Well that’s what the mannequins looked like and their nipples were really oversized so that you could see them through every shirt. Highly inappropriate. Don’t they have bras for mannequins?

2) I met at least one man there who was working as a club promoter at night to put himself through medical school. Wanna know what he was going to school for? You guessed it! To be a plastic surgeon.

3) Sucky dancers with boob jobs dancing on the bars in restaurants. Yes they were hired and they were terrible dancers. All I could think is why would you hire these terrible dancers and think it would promote your restaurant. If I wasn’t saved I would’ve pushed them off the bar and shown them how it was done. I actually did that once a long long long time ago. Some of you actually knew that Dez. Let’s not talk about it.

4) Drag queens with microphones on the street that clown people walking by. It really bothered me that he was doing this. He said something to one of my colleagues as we walked by. The old Dez came out for a second and I turned around for a rebuttal but two of the guys I was with grabbed me and told me not to do it. It made sense later. This man dressed as a woman make think he is actually a she and therefore see no problem hitting me in my face. He may be dressed as a woman but still had the strength of a man. Yeah that would be all bad. Plus we were walking by a gay club so I could’ve really made a lot of trouble for myself. Thank you Jesus!!!

That concluded my night in South beach!!!