I helped an old lady across the street today. It’s one of those things you see on television but you never really have the opportunity to do. It made me feel all warm inside to be able to help someone regardless of how little the act may be. She asked, I obliged and we went about our day.
I got this idea. Don’t know if and/or when it can happen but it’s just a thought. A few weeks ago I blogged about an Egyptian girl and made a comment that made it seem that I wasn’t aware of the fact that the original Egyptians were black. I knew this. I also know that the term kemet from which Egyptian derives from means Black. Anyway I got this idea. Often walking or sitting on the subway I overhear conversations many of them based around religion and ideology. I’ve heard everything from Jesus is Black to blacks enslavement fulfills biblical prophecy to orthodox Jews not being the chosen people. When I hear this stuff I go back home and research it to find the answers. I figure they aren’t the only ones to ever wonder those things and if anyone ever asks me I want to be able to answer.
Then I realized how many questions people have about Christianity that if we as Christians were asked wouldn’t have the answers to. Things like why is homosexuality wrong, where in the Bible does it say you can’t cohabitate, how can God let bad things happen to people. Those are questions I have even posed at one time or another. But if someone came up and asked me could I open a Bible and give them a sound answer or would I stand there mouth agape unsure of how to answer? We have to be prepared to answer when people ask. Then I thought what if there was some type of discussion group where people could find the answers to this stuff in a safe environment. Not just Christians but anyone walking off the street. What if there was a discussion group dedicated to researching and finding answers to the hard stuff and anyone could be a part. How much more enlightened would people be? So I thought why not me? Why don’t I start this group and see what God can do?
Why do men decide to test my limits and patience here? It’s like they have a heightened level of boldness that makes them think they are Superheroes and can do anything they want. You ever see the movie What Women Want where Mel Gibson can hear what every woman is thinking. As I walk down the street that’s how I feel except it’s not in my mind. They say it out loud. They make comments, smack their lips and do whatever they feel like doing. So today Captain Wheelchair thought it would be clever to try to get my attention by pretty much rolling over my foot and calling me baby. Are you serious? I mean I don’t discriminate but he was like 50 and gross. I tried to kindly wave off his banter but he put on his cape and decided to roll after me. Dude leave me alone. He persisted so I figured out the perfect plan to elude him. I walked really really fast. If he continues I will have no problem breaking out in a brisk jog, but he got the point. Stay tuned for next weeks episode where someone else will do something crazy just as I walk by. I feel like I’m on Punk’d everyday of my life.
I went to a boxing match and it was so much fun. Most people don’t know how much I like boxing. It’s my favorite sport to watch. I think because when I went through the phase of only having guy friends they had fight parties or gathered to watch the fights. So I went with these girls J Lyn and Brandy that I dance with. They know the people who put the event on. It’s great to watch boxing on TV, but its better watching it up close in VIP. So cool. The crazy thing is that I can’t stand fighting or hearing the crunch of teeth breaking when a fist connects to a face. I couldn’t watch Fight Club all the way through. When people begin fighting on a movie I turn my head and cringe. I hate it. Yet I can watch boxing. It’s the strangest thing. It reminds me of my sister. She loves corn on the cob but refuses to eat it off the cob. Corn is corn but she can’t stand it and refuses to eat it. That’s a direct correlation to how I feel about fighting and boxing. Nine bouts of boxing on a summer evening on the Beach of Coney Island is nice. Fight club is not.
I can’t seem to blend in here. I always do something that places a blaring sign over my head that says: “She’s not from here!!!” The boxing match was no different. As soon as I step on to the sand guess what I do? I do what any normal person would. I took my shoes off. I mean who walks on the beach in shoes? All of a sudden J Lyn begins yelling at me for taking my shoes off. I don’t remember all she said. Something about hypodermic needles. Crack heads. Unsanitary. Who cares I should be able to take my shoes off in sand. So ridiculous.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday Aug 29 You like me you really like me
Sometimes the smallest things make me smile. Today some of my non co-workers (since I only temp there) invited me to hang out with them. I couldn’t go but it was nice to be invited. Especially when many people hate their co-workers. They talk mess about them and find every little fault. That’s why I have tried my best to stay positive and above the drama. I’m sure someone somewhere has something to say but I don’t really care.
On top of that it seems that every Christian in that place has located me and wanted to have a conversation about the Lord. It’s great. You never realize how many people are Christians until you hold a conversation. It wasn’t like I had a sign that said, “I’m a Christian!” but somehow they knew. That was a compliment.
I just find that I have had so much favor here. Whether it’s been people bringing me lunch or allowing me to have a flexible schedule people just give me a lot of leeway. I thank God for that. I need that right now.
Now let me switch up the tone and tell you what I can’t stand. Parents bringing their kids to work. For what? It’s not the official bring your child to work day. I promise at least five kids were in the office today just running around yelling screaming. Take them to day care or something. Gosh!
Question. I have come to the realization that at this season in my life I will be doing a lot of things alone. That’s fine. I just can’t get over what exactly I need to do. For instance, I went to eat at a restaurant. I never really do that stuff by myself. So what do you do? Just sit there alone? Is it cheating if I read a book or text the whole time? I don’t get it.
On top of that it seems that every Christian in that place has located me and wanted to have a conversation about the Lord. It’s great. You never realize how many people are Christians until you hold a conversation. It wasn’t like I had a sign that said, “I’m a Christian!” but somehow they knew. That was a compliment.
I just find that I have had so much favor here. Whether it’s been people bringing me lunch or allowing me to have a flexible schedule people just give me a lot of leeway. I thank God for that. I need that right now.
Now let me switch up the tone and tell you what I can’t stand. Parents bringing their kids to work. For what? It’s not the official bring your child to work day. I promise at least five kids were in the office today just running around yelling screaming. Take them to day care or something. Gosh!
Question. I have come to the realization that at this season in my life I will be doing a lot of things alone. That’s fine. I just can’t get over what exactly I need to do. For instance, I went to eat at a restaurant. I never really do that stuff by myself. So what do you do? Just sit there alone? Is it cheating if I read a book or text the whole time? I don’t get it.
Wednesday, Aug. 27, 2008
Every now and then I go on a tirade about something that irks me. Today that thing is smoking in public. In my opinion, smoking is a selfish habit. It forces another human being to inhale cancerous fumes without their permission. If I’m walking behind you and you light up a stogie what can I do? All I can do is try to walk around you only to end up behind someone else who is smoking. It is irritating! Or people smoking right by the entrance of a public building. You may as well smoke inside because if you haven’t caught on every time the door opens the fumes seep in. My consciousness of this has risen due to my increased time spent outside of the car walking. It seems like everyone here smokes. I would be curious to see if the percentage of people who are diagnosed with lung cancer is higher. I saw a pregnant woman with a young infant in a stroller smoking. I mean really?
Moving on to some heavier stuff. Today was a heavy day. Everyday isn’t light and funny. Some days I wake up with such clarity about my path or revelation about what I need to change.
I have a dual personality challenge. From a young age I have been performance oriented. In layman’s terms I need clear cut goals and need to constantly see growth and advancement. It’s that person who writes to do lists, completes a task not originally on the list and puts it on the list just to cross it off. In turn, I also need people to affirm and acknowledge that growth. In and of itself none of this is problematic except slowly over the years it has turned me into a people pleaser. Doing what I know will get me acknowledgment. At times it creates a struggle and anxiety because what will please someone else doesn’t always please me. Like big thighs in shorts rubbing together on a hot summer day two days after you shaved. Talk about uncomfortable…and itchy.
That discomfort plagued me this morning. I had a decision to make. I had booked a dance gig that was rehearsing the same time as a meeting I had. The meeting wasn’t mandatory per se. I wanted to go to both and it was giving me an ulcer. To any normal human being the decision would be simple. Go to the one that’s more important which was dance. But we’ve established I’m not normal. If I didn’t attend the meeting I was concerned with how I would be viewed. Especially with being new there was a fear that I would be dismissed and not viewed as an asset. Though I knew I was. It bothered me throughout the day and the revelation came to me. One of the reasons I even moved here was to get from under the microscope of people, start over and do what was best for my life. Yet here I was again. I felt like a little ant squirming under the microscope of a ten year old kid yelling, “Set me on fire! Burn me up! Come on you can do it and put some stank on it!”
Why do we do this to ourselves as if anyone else can live our life for us? If I am happy and God is pleased why does what I assume someone else is thinking about me matter? And if my work speaks for itself then why? In that moment I made a few decisions.
The first was not to let anyone else define me or my life. Second, was to not let work come before dance. I did that in California and before long my gift had grown stagnant. If I didn’t know anything else I knew dance was supposed to be more of a priority then it had been. After that my choice was easy. I went to rehearsal. Oh I got one more light bulb. I often don’t trust myself and whether I’m an asset. I find myself on the other side fumbling and trying to tell people I’m great. Subconsciously I am begging them to accept me instead of just exuding greatness. I feel tense in my own body unable to relax into me. As these challenges and opportunities present themselves to become more like Dez I will take them. As time goes on I think I will love and appreciate who I become.
Exiting the subway I was in a new section of New York I had never been. I’m guessing it was somewhere near Chinatown. Replacing the Kennedy’s Fried Chicken were signs I was unable to translate and the faces didn’t look like mine. As I made my way to the bus stop…yes It’s not taboo to ride the bus here…I walked past a group of people. One of them said break-dancer in reference to me. It made me smile. I guess I did look like a break-dancer though the only thing I could break was my neck. While for most this could’ve been taken offensively, to me it was the highest compliment.
Ok I don’t think she meant to but my mother created a new game. It’s called Beat the Bus. My mom gets restless and she hates waiting at bus stops. So if we make it to the bus stop and sit for more than a minute, she impatiently steps out into the street peering out in the direction the bus should be coming. Then she’ll say, “You want to walk up to the next stop?” So we walk up to the next stop and repeat the same game until the bus comes fast enough. You have to be very strategic otherwise you will watch as bus passes you. You also cannot be in a rush. But you’ll never know what you’ll find or see when you take time.
After missing a few buses I decided to wait. As I wait I read this article. Let me preface this by saying it’s extremely gross, offensive and why I say people make anything art. But I share this because this is the world I live in. A world we all live in and why a relationship with the Lord is key. Anyway this “artist” was praised because years ago he put a crucifix in urine and called it art. So for his latest art exhibit he photographed dookie, poop, feces, whatever you call it and put the pictures on display in a museum. He used many different mammals and humans. He says he was inspired because one day he thought he saw Jesus in his own feces and felt it was a sign. Yes I am being serious as was he and people are actually going to see this. So, for my next exhibit (because I think I’m going to be an artist) I plan to photograph…dandruff. All types. From different scalps. I plan to discover new types also. What do you think?? Gross I know.
Rehearsal was a trip. Too long of a story to explain here and especially if you don’t understand the history of certain forms of dance. I got picked to dance in this show at a festival but really didn’t have all the background details of what I was getting myself into. So I went and found out that I was going to be voguing and doing a tribute to Willy Ninja. Just a small history lesson. Voguing originated at these Underground Balls. It is a dance that is popular among gay men. It’s very popular. I mean Madonna made a whole song dedicated to it and if you have ever watched America’s Next Top Model and seen Benny Ninja you can see it. So dancers from these houses compete at these balls. Willy Ninja is from the house of Ninja and he passed away years ago. We were going to be doing a tribute to him.
Here was my dilemma. Because I know the history, if I danced in this show was I condoning homosexuality? Was I saying that I thought it was ok? Was I judging? Was this a place where the Lord had placed me to plant a seed? I wasn’t sure and I struggled because I want to always do the will of God. These are decisions that must be made when your gifting puts you in the entertainment industry. Sometimes you have to turn things down and other times you are supposed to shed light. Which one was it? I prayed, contemplated for days and talked to some wise counsel and stayed. In the end I didn’t even end up doing much voguing in the pieces we practiced. On top of that the day of the show it stormed bad and was canceled. But I met great people and was stretched in many ways.
I say this to say don’t judge people and the calling the Lord puts on their life. Jesus hung out with Pharisees, taxpayers, the sick, etc and He didn’t have to. You may look at people in certain industries and say how can they do this or that? They’re supposed to be a Christian. But what does that look like? Like Christ who dealt and loved all types of people. Because I stuck around I have developed some relationships with people who in the right time I will be able to minister to. I have gotten other gigs from some of the dancers I met.
On a lighter note I tried a falafel today for the first time. It tasted really good. I would’ve never had one but one of the dancers was a vegetarian and we decided to get something to eat after rehearsal. She is really nice and I think we could be friends. Yes! Finally! My first friend in New York. Ha ha.
Moving on to some heavier stuff. Today was a heavy day. Everyday isn’t light and funny. Some days I wake up with such clarity about my path or revelation about what I need to change.
I have a dual personality challenge. From a young age I have been performance oriented. In layman’s terms I need clear cut goals and need to constantly see growth and advancement. It’s that person who writes to do lists, completes a task not originally on the list and puts it on the list just to cross it off. In turn, I also need people to affirm and acknowledge that growth. In and of itself none of this is problematic except slowly over the years it has turned me into a people pleaser. Doing what I know will get me acknowledgment. At times it creates a struggle and anxiety because what will please someone else doesn’t always please me. Like big thighs in shorts rubbing together on a hot summer day two days after you shaved. Talk about uncomfortable…and itchy.
That discomfort plagued me this morning. I had a decision to make. I had booked a dance gig that was rehearsing the same time as a meeting I had. The meeting wasn’t mandatory per se. I wanted to go to both and it was giving me an ulcer. To any normal human being the decision would be simple. Go to the one that’s more important which was dance. But we’ve established I’m not normal. If I didn’t attend the meeting I was concerned with how I would be viewed. Especially with being new there was a fear that I would be dismissed and not viewed as an asset. Though I knew I was. It bothered me throughout the day and the revelation came to me. One of the reasons I even moved here was to get from under the microscope of people, start over and do what was best for my life. Yet here I was again. I felt like a little ant squirming under the microscope of a ten year old kid yelling, “Set me on fire! Burn me up! Come on you can do it and put some stank on it!”
Why do we do this to ourselves as if anyone else can live our life for us? If I am happy and God is pleased why does what I assume someone else is thinking about me matter? And if my work speaks for itself then why? In that moment I made a few decisions.
The first was not to let anyone else define me or my life. Second, was to not let work come before dance. I did that in California and before long my gift had grown stagnant. If I didn’t know anything else I knew dance was supposed to be more of a priority then it had been. After that my choice was easy. I went to rehearsal. Oh I got one more light bulb. I often don’t trust myself and whether I’m an asset. I find myself on the other side fumbling and trying to tell people I’m great. Subconsciously I am begging them to accept me instead of just exuding greatness. I feel tense in my own body unable to relax into me. As these challenges and opportunities present themselves to become more like Dez I will take them. As time goes on I think I will love and appreciate who I become.
Exiting the subway I was in a new section of New York I had never been. I’m guessing it was somewhere near Chinatown. Replacing the Kennedy’s Fried Chicken were signs I was unable to translate and the faces didn’t look like mine. As I made my way to the bus stop…yes It’s not taboo to ride the bus here…I walked past a group of people. One of them said break-dancer in reference to me. It made me smile. I guess I did look like a break-dancer though the only thing I could break was my neck. While for most this could’ve been taken offensively, to me it was the highest compliment.
Ok I don’t think she meant to but my mother created a new game. It’s called Beat the Bus. My mom gets restless and she hates waiting at bus stops. So if we make it to the bus stop and sit for more than a minute, she impatiently steps out into the street peering out in the direction the bus should be coming. Then she’ll say, “You want to walk up to the next stop?” So we walk up to the next stop and repeat the same game until the bus comes fast enough. You have to be very strategic otherwise you will watch as bus passes you. You also cannot be in a rush. But you’ll never know what you’ll find or see when you take time.
After missing a few buses I decided to wait. As I wait I read this article. Let me preface this by saying it’s extremely gross, offensive and why I say people make anything art. But I share this because this is the world I live in. A world we all live in and why a relationship with the Lord is key. Anyway this “artist” was praised because years ago he put a crucifix in urine and called it art. So for his latest art exhibit he photographed dookie, poop, feces, whatever you call it and put the pictures on display in a museum. He used many different mammals and humans. He says he was inspired because one day he thought he saw Jesus in his own feces and felt it was a sign. Yes I am being serious as was he and people are actually going to see this. So, for my next exhibit (because I think I’m going to be an artist) I plan to photograph…dandruff. All types. From different scalps. I plan to discover new types also. What do you think?? Gross I know.
Rehearsal was a trip. Too long of a story to explain here and especially if you don’t understand the history of certain forms of dance. I got picked to dance in this show at a festival but really didn’t have all the background details of what I was getting myself into. So I went and found out that I was going to be voguing and doing a tribute to Willy Ninja. Just a small history lesson. Voguing originated at these Underground Balls. It is a dance that is popular among gay men. It’s very popular. I mean Madonna made a whole song dedicated to it and if you have ever watched America’s Next Top Model and seen Benny Ninja you can see it. So dancers from these houses compete at these balls. Willy Ninja is from the house of Ninja and he passed away years ago. We were going to be doing a tribute to him.
Here was my dilemma. Because I know the history, if I danced in this show was I condoning homosexuality? Was I saying that I thought it was ok? Was I judging? Was this a place where the Lord had placed me to plant a seed? I wasn’t sure and I struggled because I want to always do the will of God. These are decisions that must be made when your gifting puts you in the entertainment industry. Sometimes you have to turn things down and other times you are supposed to shed light. Which one was it? I prayed, contemplated for days and talked to some wise counsel and stayed. In the end I didn’t even end up doing much voguing in the pieces we practiced. On top of that the day of the show it stormed bad and was canceled. But I met great people and was stretched in many ways.
I say this to say don’t judge people and the calling the Lord puts on their life. Jesus hung out with Pharisees, taxpayers, the sick, etc and He didn’t have to. You may look at people in certain industries and say how can they do this or that? They’re supposed to be a Christian. But what does that look like? Like Christ who dealt and loved all types of people. Because I stuck around I have developed some relationships with people who in the right time I will be able to minister to. I have gotten other gigs from some of the dancers I met.
On a lighter note I tried a falafel today for the first time. It tasted really good. I would’ve never had one but one of the dancers was a vegetarian and we decided to get something to eat after rehearsal. She is really nice and I think we could be friends. Yes! Finally! My first friend in New York. Ha ha.
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Tuesday, August 26 How to Tell a True New Yorker
There are a few things necessary to looking like a true New Yorker. One, you must attempt death defying stunts like walking through a sea of yellow taxi cabs when you clearly do not have the right of way. I mean the little man isn’t blinking. It’s the big red hand. I guess in New York it’s constantly opposite day and red means go.
Two, never make eye contact with people and if they speak to you be afraid!!!
Three, on the subway always have a book and/or an ipod. If possible read and listen to your music at the same time. Anything to avoid actually holding a meaningful conversation with another human being.
Honestly, there are way too many rules for this place. I can’t remember them all. So I’ve decided to just do me. Well the me I know. She’s developing everyday.
Some of these rules I can adapt to. Most I can’t. I’m way too much of a geek to blend in.
Running into traffic I got. The not talking to people I can’t do. So what I do is seek out the grumpiest person I can and talk to them. One of two things usually happens. Either they speak and crack a smile or I just make them more upset. It’s like my fun little game.
Reading I can do. I’m an avid reader. I also do crosswords. If you don’t have a book you can always find the person who moves their lips when they read. If you pay close attention you can make out 63% of the words and it’s like reading without doing the work.
Now I’ve tried the ipod thing but it doesn’t work. It poses two problems. First, in my mind I’m Beyonce and I can really sing and though I try really hard I can’t listen to music without singing along or lipping the words. My second conundrum is I’m a dancer. So guess what happens? Yes I break out dancing which is what happened to me today.
There I am in the subway waiting for the train. I was on my way to hip hop class so I’m trying to find my groove. So I’m listening to music and at first my head starts bobbing. Then I really feel it and I start tapping my foot. Hold it together girl. Then my eyes close. Oh no here it goes. Before I know it I look like an extra in You Got Served and realize people are staring. This is on top of the crazy clothing I’m wearing because you take a special oath as a dancer to never match. So yeah. I think the ipod should be put away before someone thinks I’m crazy and puts me away. What can I say? I was inspired. That’s not a bad thing.
To hasten, hurry. To work energetically. This is the definition of hustle according to Mr. Webster. Well, according to the 7th Edition Oxford Ebonics Dictionary of Words and Definitions Black People Have Changed to Suit their Culture a hustle is: any work in exchange for goods or money that doesn’t require one to be present at an actual 9-5 job. This hustle can be legal or illegal. Examples: selling drugs; prostitution; selling bootleg DVD’s; selling knock off designer bags, collecting money for the building fund but the building never gets built. Antonyms: a real job.
Ok I’m being facetious. I think in many ways having a hustler mentality works in your favor. I feel I’m a hustler though I err to the legal side. Finding creative ways to make your gifts and talents work for you is wisdom in my opinion. For example, dance classes out here cost a lot of money. I found this studio that is having its grand opening and was looking for volunteers. In exchange you get a month of unlimited dance classes. So for a few hours of my time I save close to $600. Not to mention many of the classes are ballroom and salsa which is something I wanted to begin studying. Look at God. On top of that if the classes are any good I’m going to negotiate with her. I will publicize and work a few hours a week on ways to grow their business in exchange for them letting me continue my training. I’ll put myself on a 90 day probation and if I don’t raise class sizes they can discontinue the agreement. Either way I get free training and help someone in the process.
Two, never make eye contact with people and if they speak to you be afraid!!!
Three, on the subway always have a book and/or an ipod. If possible read and listen to your music at the same time. Anything to avoid actually holding a meaningful conversation with another human being.
Honestly, there are way too many rules for this place. I can’t remember them all. So I’ve decided to just do me. Well the me I know. She’s developing everyday.
Some of these rules I can adapt to. Most I can’t. I’m way too much of a geek to blend in.
Running into traffic I got. The not talking to people I can’t do. So what I do is seek out the grumpiest person I can and talk to them. One of two things usually happens. Either they speak and crack a smile or I just make them more upset. It’s like my fun little game.
Reading I can do. I’m an avid reader. I also do crosswords. If you don’t have a book you can always find the person who moves their lips when they read. If you pay close attention you can make out 63% of the words and it’s like reading without doing the work.
Now I’ve tried the ipod thing but it doesn’t work. It poses two problems. First, in my mind I’m Beyonce and I can really sing and though I try really hard I can’t listen to music without singing along or lipping the words. My second conundrum is I’m a dancer. So guess what happens? Yes I break out dancing which is what happened to me today.
There I am in the subway waiting for the train. I was on my way to hip hop class so I’m trying to find my groove. So I’m listening to music and at first my head starts bobbing. Then I really feel it and I start tapping my foot. Hold it together girl. Then my eyes close. Oh no here it goes. Before I know it I look like an extra in You Got Served and realize people are staring. This is on top of the crazy clothing I’m wearing because you take a special oath as a dancer to never match. So yeah. I think the ipod should be put away before someone thinks I’m crazy and puts me away. What can I say? I was inspired. That’s not a bad thing.
To hasten, hurry. To work energetically. This is the definition of hustle according to Mr. Webster. Well, according to the 7th Edition Oxford Ebonics Dictionary of Words and Definitions Black People Have Changed to Suit their Culture a hustle is: any work in exchange for goods or money that doesn’t require one to be present at an actual 9-5 job. This hustle can be legal or illegal. Examples: selling drugs; prostitution; selling bootleg DVD’s; selling knock off designer bags, collecting money for the building fund but the building never gets built. Antonyms: a real job.
Ok I’m being facetious. I think in many ways having a hustler mentality works in your favor. I feel I’m a hustler though I err to the legal side. Finding creative ways to make your gifts and talents work for you is wisdom in my opinion. For example, dance classes out here cost a lot of money. I found this studio that is having its grand opening and was looking for volunteers. In exchange you get a month of unlimited dance classes. So for a few hours of my time I save close to $600. Not to mention many of the classes are ballroom and salsa which is something I wanted to begin studying. Look at God. On top of that if the classes are any good I’m going to negotiate with her. I will publicize and work a few hours a week on ways to grow their business in exchange for them letting me continue my training. I’ll put myself on a 90 day probation and if I don’t raise class sizes they can discontinue the agreement. Either way I get free training and help someone in the process.
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