Wednesday, Aug. 27, 2008

Every now and then I go on a tirade about something that irks me. Today that thing is smoking in public. In my opinion, smoking is a selfish habit. It forces another human being to inhale cancerous fumes without their permission. If I’m walking behind you and you light up a stogie what can I do? All I can do is try to walk around you only to end up behind someone else who is smoking. It is irritating! Or people smoking right by the entrance of a public building. You may as well smoke inside because if you haven’t caught on every time the door opens the fumes seep in. My consciousness of this has risen due to my increased time spent outside of the car walking. It seems like everyone here smokes. I would be curious to see if the percentage of people who are diagnosed with lung cancer is higher. I saw a pregnant woman with a young infant in a stroller smoking. I mean really?

Moving on to some heavier stuff. Today was a heavy day. Everyday isn’t light and funny. Some days I wake up with such clarity about my path or revelation about what I need to change.
I have a dual personality challenge. From a young age I have been performance oriented. In layman’s terms I need clear cut goals and need to constantly see growth and advancement. It’s that person who writes to do lists, completes a task not originally on the list and puts it on the list just to cross it off. In turn, I also need people to affirm and acknowledge that growth. In and of itself none of this is problematic except slowly over the years it has turned me into a people pleaser. Doing what I know will get me acknowledgment. At times it creates a struggle and anxiety because what will please someone else doesn’t always please me. Like big thighs in shorts rubbing together on a hot summer day two days after you shaved. Talk about uncomfortable…and itchy.

That discomfort plagued me this morning. I had a decision to make. I had booked a dance gig that was rehearsing the same time as a meeting I had. The meeting wasn’t mandatory per se. I wanted to go to both and it was giving me an ulcer. To any normal human being the decision would be simple. Go to the one that’s more important which was dance. But we’ve established I’m not normal. If I didn’t attend the meeting I was concerned with how I would be viewed. Especially with being new there was a fear that I would be dismissed and not viewed as an asset. Though I knew I was. It bothered me throughout the day and the revelation came to me. One of the reasons I even moved here was to get from under the microscope of people, start over and do what was best for my life. Yet here I was again. I felt like a little ant squirming under the microscope of a ten year old kid yelling, “Set me on fire! Burn me up! Come on you can do it and put some stank on it!”

Why do we do this to ourselves as if anyone else can live our life for us? If I am happy and God is pleased why does what I assume someone else is thinking about me matter? And if my work speaks for itself then why? In that moment I made a few decisions.
The first was not to let anyone else define me or my life. Second, was to not let work come before dance. I did that in California and before long my gift had grown stagnant. If I didn’t know anything else I knew dance was supposed to be more of a priority then it had been. After that my choice was easy. I went to rehearsal. Oh I got one more light bulb. I often don’t trust myself and whether I’m an asset. I find myself on the other side fumbling and trying to tell people I’m great. Subconsciously I am begging them to accept me instead of just exuding greatness. I feel tense in my own body unable to relax into me. As these challenges and opportunities present themselves to become more like Dez I will take them. As time goes on I think I will love and appreciate who I become.

Exiting the subway I was in a new section of New York I had never been. I’m guessing it was somewhere near Chinatown. Replacing the Kennedy’s Fried Chicken were signs I was unable to translate and the faces didn’t look like mine. As I made my way to the bus stop…yes It’s not taboo to ride the bus here…I walked past a group of people. One of them said break-dancer in reference to me. It made me smile. I guess I did look like a break-dancer though the only thing I could break was my neck. While for most this could’ve been taken offensively, to me it was the highest compliment.

Ok I don’t think she meant to but my mother created a new game. It’s called Beat the Bus. My mom gets restless and she hates waiting at bus stops. So if we make it to the bus stop and sit for more than a minute, she impatiently steps out into the street peering out in the direction the bus should be coming. Then she’ll say, “You want to walk up to the next stop?” So we walk up to the next stop and repeat the same game until the bus comes fast enough. You have to be very strategic otherwise you will watch as bus passes you. You also cannot be in a rush. But you’ll never know what you’ll find or see when you take time.

After missing a few buses I decided to wait. As I wait I read this article. Let me preface this by saying it’s extremely gross, offensive and why I say people make anything art. But I share this because this is the world I live in. A world we all live in and why a relationship with the Lord is key. Anyway this “artist” was praised because years ago he put a crucifix in urine and called it art. So for his latest art exhibit he photographed dookie, poop, feces, whatever you call it and put the pictures on display in a museum. He used many different mammals and humans. He says he was inspired because one day he thought he saw Jesus in his own feces and felt it was a sign. Yes I am being serious as was he and people are actually going to see this. So, for my next exhibit (because I think I’m going to be an artist) I plan to photograph…dandruff. All types. From different scalps. I plan to discover new types also. What do you think?? Gross I know.

Rehearsal was a trip. Too long of a story to explain here and especially if you don’t understand the history of certain forms of dance. I got picked to dance in this show at a festival but really didn’t have all the background details of what I was getting myself into. So I went and found out that I was going to be voguing and doing a tribute to Willy Ninja. Just a small history lesson. Voguing originated at these Underground Balls. It is a dance that is popular among gay men. It’s very popular. I mean Madonna made a whole song dedicated to it and if you have ever watched America’s Next Top Model and seen Benny Ninja you can see it. So dancers from these houses compete at these balls. Willy Ninja is from the house of Ninja and he passed away years ago. We were going to be doing a tribute to him.

Here was my dilemma. Because I know the history, if I danced in this show was I condoning homosexuality? Was I saying that I thought it was ok? Was I judging? Was this a place where the Lord had placed me to plant a seed? I wasn’t sure and I struggled because I want to always do the will of God. These are decisions that must be made when your gifting puts you in the entertainment industry. Sometimes you have to turn things down and other times you are supposed to shed light. Which one was it? I prayed, contemplated for days and talked to some wise counsel and stayed. In the end I didn’t even end up doing much voguing in the pieces we practiced. On top of that the day of the show it stormed bad and was canceled. But I met great people and was stretched in many ways.

I say this to say don’t judge people and the calling the Lord puts on their life. Jesus hung out with Pharisees, taxpayers, the sick, etc and He didn’t have to. You may look at people in certain industries and say how can they do this or that? They’re supposed to be a Christian. But what does that look like? Like Christ who dealt and loved all types of people. Because I stuck around I have developed some relationships with people who in the right time I will be able to minister to. I have gotten other gigs from some of the dancers I met.

On a lighter note I tried a falafel today for the first time. It tasted really good. I would’ve never had one but one of the dancers was a vegetarian and we decided to get something to eat after rehearsal. She is really nice and I think we could be friends. Yes! Finally! My first friend in New York. Ha ha.