Sunday Aug 31, 2008: Nasty Foot Looker

Some things shouldn’t be funny. They shouldn’t entertain you. But sometimes the irony is so ridiculous that it makes you laugh. I watched grown men fight in the street with sticks today. I didn’t want to stop and look but the scene was obviously misplaced. I mean the sticks were long. It really should have been in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Are you wondering what would make grown men begin to fight one another with sticks? Do I have your attention? I mean it would really have to be something really really important to make them act like three years olds right? Wouldn’t you love for me to just get to the point? Ok. Ok. They were fighting over five cents. I believe that’s the going rate for recycling a can. Yeah so these two dudes were at a recycling place where you put the cans in and get money. One guy stole a can from the other and a stick fight ensued. What made it better was that a few Asian women who spoke no English jumped in and tried to fight the can stealer as well. I know you probably think I make this stuff up but I’m really not that clever. I’m just not.

Yeah so later that day I was walking out of the subway and this guy just kept staring at me. So I’m looking at him like yes can I help you? He finally said Amber? I said no my name’s not Amber. He says oh I thought you were my friend Amber. Survey says…wrong. Negro you know I don’t look like Amber whoever she is. Riddle me this. If she is your “friend” how come you don’t know what the heck she looks like? I know what my friends look like. I would never go up to a stranger and say Tonee? No because I know what the heck he looks like. Just dumb.

So let me explain why I was coming out of the subway other than the fact that I don’t have a car. I somehow had ended up on a date that I didn’t know was a date. He tricked me ya’ll. He was a non co-worker at the place I temped and he tricked me with pizza. I love pizza. One day I was really hungry so he asked me if I wanted to go with him to pick some up during lunch. I was hungry so I said sure. Dumb choice. I thought he was cool and I was very clear about the fact that I was not interested. So when he asked to hang out I said sure. I mean I am trying to get to know people in New York and he seemed perfectly normal.

So I was coming out of the subway to meet him to hang out. So we went to eat and I was ready to leave before I got there. There were these long awkward silent moments. He kept doing weird things like moving his lips but not saying anything. He laughed at everything I said. Ok that’s cool but if I was going to be the only entertaining person I could’ve stayed home and had a conversation with myself. What did I need you for? You’re dismissed. You have been voted off the island. I know it may seem like I am being hard on men but can you blame me? I keep meeting knuckleheads. It has to be me right? You attract who you are right? So does this mean I’m a knucklehead?

It gets worse. I know part of the problem is my mouth. It can be a weapon and often it works against me. It seems like the more of a jerk I am the more intriguing it is. He wants to walk me home and I tell him no. He wants to know why. I explain that he could be a killer or rapist and didn’t need to know where I lived. That that’s a privilege and we weren’t cool with that. What if he for instance let me walk him home and then I was crazy. Now I know where he lives and could turn into a potential stalker. That’s all bad. He said I wasn’t crazy. That’s true but the point was that I could be. He didn’t know, Needless to say he got the point. So I decided to walk around a while to confuse him so he couldn’t even guess where I lived.

Then he did the unthinkable. He kept staring at my feet. Ladies you know that can be awkward right? For someone to just keep looking at your feet. So I asked him what he was looking at. He replied I had nice feet. I asked him to stop being a nasty feet looker. He just laughed but I was serious. Then he said that he was just a foot looker intrigued by me. Ewww. Gag me with a spoon. That was so corny. Intrigued? You don’t even know me. I don’t think I’m intriguing especially to a stranger. It was just a bit much. I knew the conversation was going to have to happen soon. You know the same conversation I had with the Mayor. Even though I had already said ten different ways I didn’t want to date anyone, that I wasn’t interested maybe the eleventh way would be the key. Or maybe I should just not talk to anymore more men. That sounds a little better.