Thursday Sept 4: Attack of the Tuna Lady

I’m beginning to think I am a magnet for all things funny or random. It seems on a daily basis I find a reason to laugh at something that shouldn’t be at all funny. Sometimes I feel like God has certain people walk by me just so I can laugh though that doesn’t sound too much like something he would do.

On this particular day I was sitting down waiting for the subway. On my right a young woman who looked to be the same age as me. On my left a lady who seemed to be a little off. She was kind of talking to herself and acting a little strange. I ignored this. It seems to be typical behavior here. I was cool until she pulled out the biggest plate of tuna I have ever seen and began to smack on it. Eww and she wasn’t chewing with her mouth closed. Now I love tuna but it never smells like that when I eat it. It was so gross and I wanted to ask her why. Why would you open that up and eat it when we are underground with poor ventilation. Why tuna lady why?
I didn’t want to seem rude so I didn’t get up and move. I just held my breath. In my heart I didn’t want her to feel like I was moving because of her. It wasn’t her. It was her darn tuna. Part of me thought I was crazy until I saw sane girl on my right make a face and get up. Then she looked back at me like I was crazy for tolerating the smell. I was trying to be nice but if she had the guts to move then so did I. I slowly got up and went to stand by sane girl. We busted up laughing about how we tried to hold out as long as we could.

The subway finally comes and I am hoping this lady doesn’t come sit by me. I mean the train was completely empty. Well I must have had an I love tuna pin on because she came and sat right next to me. I was so irritated.

Then at the next stop a man with his shirt open revealing his taco meat chest fro came and sat on the other side of me. He was sweating and stuff and I promise his chest fro smelled bad. So here I am sitting between tuna and sweat thinking why me. What else could make this situation even more ridiculous? Why did I ask?

This man down on his luck comes into the subway and makes this announcement, “excuse me ladies and gentlemen. I am having a rough time right now and just need to get some money so that I can eat. I have decided to use my voice as a way to get me money.” I know it makes you feel a little bad right? Well not so much if you hear it day in and day out and everyone literally recites the same speech. I literally think they have some sort of class where they get together and tell you how to sucker people out of money. Anyway he starts singing Lean on Me. I didn’t want to laugh. I really didn’t but the man couldn’t sing. At all. On top of that he didn’t give us just a little sample of his wonderful voice. Oh no. He sang the whole song. Oh yeah. Every word. I just wanted to start yelling “Free Mr. Clark!” and “Mr. Clark doesn’t care about you because you don’t take care of your responsibilities!!!” and “Why would I want to get rid of her? I love her.” I wanted Mr. Clark to come in and double dutch. I wanted the guys in the bathroom to show up and start singing “Fair Eastside.” It was ridiculous but I held my composure.
Too bad tuna lady didn’t. She busted up laughing. I look at her like she has lost her mind. You have the nerve to laugh at him when you are eating tuna and talking to people who aren’t there? Talk about irony.