Mon Oct 20: healing

Do you remember ever hurting yourself as a kid? Maybe falling of the bike and immediately beginning to cry. Then you looked up to see if anyone was looking and when you realized no one was you stopped crying. It really didn’t hurt enough to illicit tears in the first place. You thought it hurt. It was like a knee jerk reaction. This is how I feel the healing process can be sometimes.

Someone may do something to you that really hurts you. In the beginning, you cried or handled it however was necessary to get through. As time passed, whenever that sore spot was mentioned, like that child you begin to react as you did because it became habit, not because it hurt anymore. I experienced that.

I got some news over the weekend that I thought upset me. So I did what I had done naturally which was cry. But as the tears fell and I thought about it I realized there was no need to cry. I was healed and didn’t really care as much. I almost fell for the trick that I had not yet healed. But I had. Though not fully, I no longer cry when I fall of the bike.

On another note, it was so nice to wake up and hear certain sounds. Birds chirping, trees rustling and the Granada Hills Band playing. I miss those sounds. I had grown accustomed to hearing horns blaring, the boy crying in the building across from me and whatever other random noises I may hear.

The biggest joy of being in California was seeing my girls Sydney and Lauryn. I didn’t realize how much I missed them or how important they were to me. When they saw me their faces lit up and Lauryn just cried. They were huge crocodile tears which made me cry. But looking at them I knew that if no one else in the world loved me, they did. That I didn’t have to be perfect or get everything right. They loved me because I was Dez.

This trip was a breath of fresh air. I took for granted many of the things I had until I didn’t have them anymore. Things like a good hairstylist, places to get a good manicure/pedicure, a good church, good friends, clean streets, etc. It made me miss all of these things. It also made me desire more clarity on why I was in New York and to do the things required to get back to California. That’s where I believe I belong. So as I wait in the airport to return to New York, I reflect on all of this.

Now I am at the airport hours before I am scheduled to depart because I am waiting for _______. That’s how we will refer to him. Tonee calls him Mr. Big, but I hate that name and am not a Sex in the City fan so I can’t make the correlation quite as good as some others. I will give a brief synopsis of who he is and I will probably never mention him again. Just know he is probably there lurking somewhere in the background.

I met Mr. ______ in college back in 2002. We had a gym class together and I thought he was good looking but we never spoke. He stood out because he always had two cell phones on his hip. I thought, “What kind of loser has two cell phones on his hip in gym class?” You know where my mind went to….drug dealer. What is my issue that I think everyone sells drugs? Gosh! Anyway he was always talking to this one girl in class and so I made another assumption…he likes white girls. I was wrong on both accounts. We didn’t talk until halfway through the semester and subsequently began some weird on/off dating thing for the next 3 1/2years. Then we didn’t talk for two years and recently got back in touch with each other. That’s all I will say on him, besides I think he is a great guy, there is a lot I am learning from him and we will always be friends. Unless he does something dumb. Ha ha. Just kidding. Kind of.

Anyway, today I thought would be that qualifier because I was sure that Mr. ____ was going to lose his life. I had gotten to the airport at 2:30, checked in thinking he was going to be there between 2:30 and 3pm. This even left him room if he was a little tardy. 2:30 passed. 3:00, 3:30 and even 4:00pm. I had called but he hadn’t answered. I was infuriated, because in my mind he was late. On top of that he hadn’t picked up the phone until 4:15 to let me know he would be there soon. I wanted to strangle him and had a huge attitude. Especially because I had limited time in California and could’ve been somewhere else or arrived to the airport later. When he arrived I was beyond angry and he was all smiles. I couldn’t believe it. This is the importance of reading and why it’s fundamental. After I had my say he pointed out that he never said 2:30. When I went back through my text he was right. It was on me. He had just come in from a family vacation and had said the earliest he would be there was 2:30 and he would let me know. Oh let me make sure I’m clear. His family meaning his mom, cousins, grandma, etc. not wife and kids. Yeah I don’t do that. Just so we’re clear. Yeah don’t ever skim stuff guys ok? Enough about Mr. ______.