Tues Oct 28: I will be a Multi-Millionaire

We don’t always believe that our words carry that much meaning, but they do. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a multi-millionaire and be able to further the kingdom of God. This thought has stayed with me more and more as I read things to edify me. I read the word which is filled with promises but I am referring to other books. I probably go through a new book every other week. I am reading on personal development, growth, spiritual growth, finances; whatever I can get my hands on. It has expanded my mindset and vision. I have also tried to change the music that I listen to. I have put scriptures and goals up at my office on my wall at home so that they are always in sight. This is important. If I want to reach certain goals I have to see myself there first. Moving on…

Every single day I have dressed up to work. We have business casual attire and that’s fine with me. After 3 ½ years of wearing sweatpants to work it’s kind of nice to dress up. There are some days when I would just like to relax and wear jeans, but I don’t. What I realize is that business casual means different things to different people. I see some of these people come in jeans every day. Finally I asked if we were allowed to wear jeans and was told yes. This is great. Because I literally only wash once a month and when my clothes get dirty I can just wear jeans. Sounds good to me.

Some of the women at my job asked me to join them for pizza so I did. It was really nice to get to know people on a personal basis. It was just a breath of fresh air. I don’t get as much interaction with people as I would like sometimes so it’s nice. They have this little knitting club that gets together bi-weekly and they invited me to come. Now I have never knit but I thought it might be cool. I learn a new craft and it opens up my mind a little more. I always imagined that only elderly retired white women with lots of cats knitted ugly holiday sweaters for their relatives that hate them, but that isn’t the case.

Anyone want to take a guess on how many umbrellas I will go through during the Fall/Winter season? It gets so windy and you have to have a heavy duty umbrella if you want to survive here. I say I’ll go through two.

I had an audition today. I haven’t been auditioning much because I really want to focus on becoming a better dancer for me. But if it’s something really interesting or I know the person holding the audition I go to not ruin that relationship for the future. This was actually something I wouldn’t mind doing. Remember a while back when I went to that boxing match at Coney Island. Well while there I had met the organizer for the Golden Gloves boxing matches. She was going to start having dancers perform at the matches between bouts. At the time I didn’t realize that one of the girls I went with was the choreographer for this. The choreographer was a friend of the dancer I met while doing the tribute to Willie Ninja that I almost quit. You get the correlation?

Anyway they called me to audition and I did. I was so nervous. So nervous. I really felt that I was going to book this but I felt I had a horrible audition so I will just have to wait and see what happens.

After the audition I decided to find a nice place to just breathe. It’s hard to find a place in New York not crowded with people. I was really close to Brooklyn Bridge and underneath there was a park that was attached to what looked like a small beach. It looked so peaceful so I just went and sat and thought for a bit. Away from the noise I just wanted to feel God’s presence and know that he was with me. I felt that. It was so nice to just sit and as the water rustled I felt calmed. Like I knew that though my life seems a mess and I don’t feel him close that if I can just find a place of quiet rest he is there. Right now I have to fight for that. Almost recreate it. I don’t have the luxury of just closing my door and finding that unless no one is home. I share my room. I am not complaining. Just have to fight to find those times with God. I guess we all do.

So as if New York isn’t scary enough why did I get a text that the bloods are doing initiations this week and targeting women to rape? Thanks. That makes me feel so settled and at peace when I am walking home at 10:00 at night. I actually feel pretty safe in New York. Nothing like it’s portrayed on TV. What does bother me is I can’t spot out the gang members. They are incognegro. No rags, colors, etc. These guys are probably walking around in business suits.

I have begun to get these terrible migraines. I can’t pinpoint when or how they come but they are constantly there. I always seem to have one and it’s the strangest thing. I have begun to look for reasons why they come and when they appear. Like when I got the text about the audition, I got nervous and anxious and then a migraine came. I think its emotion related. Like if I feel stressed or nervous or upset I get a migraine. This has never happened to me before but now they are always there. It’s like becoming comfortable living in dysfunction which I refuse to do. I am going to go to the doctor to see what the deal is and continue to pray for healing.