Sunday, December 28, 2008
Oct 29
I usually send out emails to let people know that I have updated my blog. I don’t send it to everyone, because everyone doesn’t care. I accidently sent an email to my dad. I didn’t realize that until after he sent me an email regarding it. I never would’ve expected him to respond or give me a compliment. I don’t know if it means anything. I don’t know if it means we will begin to form a relationship. It may mean nothing at all, but whatever God wants to do I am willing to let him do.
Tues Oct 28: I will be a Multi-Millionaire
We don’t always believe that our words carry that much meaning, but they do. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a multi-millionaire and be able to further the kingdom of God. This thought has stayed with me more and more as I read things to edify me. I read the word which is filled with promises but I am referring to other books. I probably go through a new book every other week. I am reading on personal development, growth, spiritual growth, finances; whatever I can get my hands on. It has expanded my mindset and vision. I have also tried to change the music that I listen to. I have put scriptures and goals up at my office on my wall at home so that they are always in sight. This is important. If I want to reach certain goals I have to see myself there first. Moving on…
Every single day I have dressed up to work. We have business casual attire and that’s fine with me. After 3 ½ years of wearing sweatpants to work it’s kind of nice to dress up. There are some days when I would just like to relax and wear jeans, but I don’t. What I realize is that business casual means different things to different people. I see some of these people come in jeans every day. Finally I asked if we were allowed to wear jeans and was told yes. This is great. Because I literally only wash once a month and when my clothes get dirty I can just wear jeans. Sounds good to me.
Some of the women at my job asked me to join them for pizza so I did. It was really nice to get to know people on a personal basis. It was just a breath of fresh air. I don’t get as much interaction with people as I would like sometimes so it’s nice. They have this little knitting club that gets together bi-weekly and they invited me to come. Now I have never knit but I thought it might be cool. I learn a new craft and it opens up my mind a little more. I always imagined that only elderly retired white women with lots of cats knitted ugly holiday sweaters for their relatives that hate them, but that isn’t the case.
Anyone want to take a guess on how many umbrellas I will go through during the Fall/Winter season? It gets so windy and you have to have a heavy duty umbrella if you want to survive here. I say I’ll go through two.
I had an audition today. I haven’t been auditioning much because I really want to focus on becoming a better dancer for me. But if it’s something really interesting or I know the person holding the audition I go to not ruin that relationship for the future. This was actually something I wouldn’t mind doing. Remember a while back when I went to that boxing match at Coney Island. Well while there I had met the organizer for the Golden Gloves boxing matches. She was going to start having dancers perform at the matches between bouts. At the time I didn’t realize that one of the girls I went with was the choreographer for this. The choreographer was a friend of the dancer I met while doing the tribute to Willie Ninja that I almost quit. You get the correlation?
Anyway they called me to audition and I did. I was so nervous. So nervous. I really felt that I was going to book this but I felt I had a horrible audition so I will just have to wait and see what happens.
After the audition I decided to find a nice place to just breathe. It’s hard to find a place in New York not crowded with people. I was really close to Brooklyn Bridge and underneath there was a park that was attached to what looked like a small beach. It looked so peaceful so I just went and sat and thought for a bit. Away from the noise I just wanted to feel God’s presence and know that he was with me. I felt that. It was so nice to just sit and as the water rustled I felt calmed. Like I knew that though my life seems a mess and I don’t feel him close that if I can just find a place of quiet rest he is there. Right now I have to fight for that. Almost recreate it. I don’t have the luxury of just closing my door and finding that unless no one is home. I share my room. I am not complaining. Just have to fight to find those times with God. I guess we all do.
So as if New York isn’t scary enough why did I get a text that the bloods are doing initiations this week and targeting women to rape? Thanks. That makes me feel so settled and at peace when I am walking home at 10:00 at night. I actually feel pretty safe in New York. Nothing like it’s portrayed on TV. What does bother me is I can’t spot out the gang members. They are incognegro. No rags, colors, etc. These guys are probably walking around in business suits.
I have begun to get these terrible migraines. I can’t pinpoint when or how they come but they are constantly there. I always seem to have one and it’s the strangest thing. I have begun to look for reasons why they come and when they appear. Like when I got the text about the audition, I got nervous and anxious and then a migraine came. I think its emotion related. Like if I feel stressed or nervous or upset I get a migraine. This has never happened to me before but now they are always there. It’s like becoming comfortable living in dysfunction which I refuse to do. I am going to go to the doctor to see what the deal is and continue to pray for healing.
Every single day I have dressed up to work. We have business casual attire and that’s fine with me. After 3 ½ years of wearing sweatpants to work it’s kind of nice to dress up. There are some days when I would just like to relax and wear jeans, but I don’t. What I realize is that business casual means different things to different people. I see some of these people come in jeans every day. Finally I asked if we were allowed to wear jeans and was told yes. This is great. Because I literally only wash once a month and when my clothes get dirty I can just wear jeans. Sounds good to me.
Some of the women at my job asked me to join them for pizza so I did. It was really nice to get to know people on a personal basis. It was just a breath of fresh air. I don’t get as much interaction with people as I would like sometimes so it’s nice. They have this little knitting club that gets together bi-weekly and they invited me to come. Now I have never knit but I thought it might be cool. I learn a new craft and it opens up my mind a little more. I always imagined that only elderly retired white women with lots of cats knitted ugly holiday sweaters for their relatives that hate them, but that isn’t the case.
Anyone want to take a guess on how many umbrellas I will go through during the Fall/Winter season? It gets so windy and you have to have a heavy duty umbrella if you want to survive here. I say I’ll go through two.
I had an audition today. I haven’t been auditioning much because I really want to focus on becoming a better dancer for me. But if it’s something really interesting or I know the person holding the audition I go to not ruin that relationship for the future. This was actually something I wouldn’t mind doing. Remember a while back when I went to that boxing match at Coney Island. Well while there I had met the organizer for the Golden Gloves boxing matches. She was going to start having dancers perform at the matches between bouts. At the time I didn’t realize that one of the girls I went with was the choreographer for this. The choreographer was a friend of the dancer I met while doing the tribute to Willie Ninja that I almost quit. You get the correlation?
Anyway they called me to audition and I did. I was so nervous. So nervous. I really felt that I was going to book this but I felt I had a horrible audition so I will just have to wait and see what happens.
After the audition I decided to find a nice place to just breathe. It’s hard to find a place in New York not crowded with people. I was really close to Brooklyn Bridge and underneath there was a park that was attached to what looked like a small beach. It looked so peaceful so I just went and sat and thought for a bit. Away from the noise I just wanted to feel God’s presence and know that he was with me. I felt that. It was so nice to just sit and as the water rustled I felt calmed. Like I knew that though my life seems a mess and I don’t feel him close that if I can just find a place of quiet rest he is there. Right now I have to fight for that. Almost recreate it. I don’t have the luxury of just closing my door and finding that unless no one is home. I share my room. I am not complaining. Just have to fight to find those times with God. I guess we all do.
So as if New York isn’t scary enough why did I get a text that the bloods are doing initiations this week and targeting women to rape? Thanks. That makes me feel so settled and at peace when I am walking home at 10:00 at night. I actually feel pretty safe in New York. Nothing like it’s portrayed on TV. What does bother me is I can’t spot out the gang members. They are incognegro. No rags, colors, etc. These guys are probably walking around in business suits.
I have begun to get these terrible migraines. I can’t pinpoint when or how they come but they are constantly there. I always seem to have one and it’s the strangest thing. I have begun to look for reasons why they come and when they appear. Like when I got the text about the audition, I got nervous and anxious and then a migraine came. I think its emotion related. Like if I feel stressed or nervous or upset I get a migraine. This has never happened to me before but now they are always there. It’s like becoming comfortable living in dysfunction which I refuse to do. I am going to go to the doctor to see what the deal is and continue to pray for healing.
Oct 23
Dude this guy at my job looks just like Orville Redenbacher. Yeah that’s it.
Speaking of work, why is your first day back from vacation always crazy? You would’ve thought I had been gone for weeks. I wanted to stick lots of sharp objects in my eyes today. That’s what type of day it was. Six more months. I am claiming that in six months I will no longer have to work for anyone but myself. So when it happens you were my witness that I spoke it in faith!
Irony is a tricky thing. Or maybe it’s not irony but the enemy. It’s like as soon as you say you are past something or aren’t going to do something there are all types of forces trying to hold you back. It’s like the day you decide you want to fast is the day your job provides lunch for the whole company. It’s a test to see if you have really mastered the thing you claimed you have. It makes sense. There is no way to see if you’re really over something until you come face to face with it and react differently then you did in the past.
I am proud to say I am completely healed. I got tested and passed and it feels great. Some know what I’m speaking of others don’t. It doesn’t matter either way. It just feels good to pass the test you had failed over and over. I’m thinking 2009 will be my good year. It’s not like I had a bad year. I was just so sure that this year would be the year that my life would change. It did, just not in the way I suspected. I got my heart broken, moved to New York, lost some friends, gained some friends. It has been a really hard year for me, but when I look back I think it will be one of the most important years of my life. I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I’m 80.
Speaking of work, why is your first day back from vacation always crazy? You would’ve thought I had been gone for weeks. I wanted to stick lots of sharp objects in my eyes today. That’s what type of day it was. Six more months. I am claiming that in six months I will no longer have to work for anyone but myself. So when it happens you were my witness that I spoke it in faith!
Irony is a tricky thing. Or maybe it’s not irony but the enemy. It’s like as soon as you say you are past something or aren’t going to do something there are all types of forces trying to hold you back. It’s like the day you decide you want to fast is the day your job provides lunch for the whole company. It’s a test to see if you have really mastered the thing you claimed you have. It makes sense. There is no way to see if you’re really over something until you come face to face with it and react differently then you did in the past.
I am proud to say I am completely healed. I got tested and passed and it feels great. Some know what I’m speaking of others don’t. It doesn’t matter either way. It just feels good to pass the test you had failed over and over. I’m thinking 2009 will be my good year. It’s not like I had a bad year. I was just so sure that this year would be the year that my life would change. It did, just not in the way I suspected. I got my heart broken, moved to New York, lost some friends, gained some friends. It has been a really hard year for me, but when I look back I think it will be one of the most important years of my life. I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I’m 80.
Oct 21: Height Does Matter
A smurf tried to hit on me today. Ok. He wasn’t exactly a smurf but just way too short for me. I do give men props. A lot of men I know don’t care about dating women taller than them. I mean look at Tom Cruise. It doesn’t bother him. Can any man out there elucidate on this subject? That’s my word of the day. It was in a book I am reading. Look it up.
Conversely, I know most women have a problem dating someone shorter than them. I’m not going to lie that it is a little uncomfortable to me. I don’t want to wear heels and tower over my date. I don’t know if that’s considered shallow but at least I am being honest. That is something that God would have to work on me with. I would hate to eliminate someone solely based on height or some other outward feature, but height is a hard one.
Live from New York is the Blonde moment of the day…So everyone understands I’ve never been in snow right? Wait. I have gone to Lake Tahoe or Big Bear, but walking around in snow during winter. No. So, if I am walking around and white stuff is falling from the sky of course I would assume its snow right? I mean who wouldn’t. But let’s just say that instead of it being snow it was really dandelions. Then you would officially have the blonde moment of the day. In my defense I really did think it was snowing and it wasn’t like it was just falling in one section of the city. It was everywhere. And they didn’t look like dandelions. Whatever. Stop looking at the computer screen like that. Go read a book or something.
Conversely, I know most women have a problem dating someone shorter than them. I’m not going to lie that it is a little uncomfortable to me. I don’t want to wear heels and tower over my date. I don’t know if that’s considered shallow but at least I am being honest. That is something that God would have to work on me with. I would hate to eliminate someone solely based on height or some other outward feature, but height is a hard one.
Live from New York is the Blonde moment of the day…So everyone understands I’ve never been in snow right? Wait. I have gone to Lake Tahoe or Big Bear, but walking around in snow during winter. No. So, if I am walking around and white stuff is falling from the sky of course I would assume its snow right? I mean who wouldn’t. But let’s just say that instead of it being snow it was really dandelions. Then you would officially have the blonde moment of the day. In my defense I really did think it was snowing and it wasn’t like it was just falling in one section of the city. It was everywhere. And they didn’t look like dandelions. Whatever. Stop looking at the computer screen like that. Go read a book or something.
Monday Oct 20 (part 2): The Return of the Nasty Foot Looker
As I walk around and see the overwhelming amount of Obama supporters one thought came to my mind. I wonder how many of these negros are registered to vote and of the ones who are registered how many will go out and vote. Here is my thought. If you’re not going to actually exercise your right to vote, don’t wear a button. It’s almost hypocritical. Now I’m not talking about people who can’t vote, but those who can and choose not to. Just my thought.
So since I wrote about my crazy incidents with D.A.N.’s I haven’t gone out or hung out with any guys since. I really don’t plan on it either. Most of them have faded out of the picture except one. The nasty foot looker. Like I said he is a cool guy. I don’t mind being cool with him, but he just needs a constant reminder that I don’t like him. At first I felt bad because I am almost mean, but it’s annoying. How do you decide you like someone you don’t even know? We hung out once. We don’t talk on the phone. Every now and then we may text, but it’s very superficial. How does all that amount to liking someone? Or maybe it’s just me. It takes more than that for me to like someone and I can’t expect him to do things the same way I do them.
Anyway today he got on my nerves. We were talking about saving money and he makes some comment about maybe we could put our money together and buy a house. So I asked him why he making the assumption that I would need his help in securing a house. I went on to say that I would not be living with any man before marriage and since he was neither my husband nor a relative that we would not be doing anything together. You know what this bozo said? “You could be my wife in a few years. Only time will tell.” No it won’t tell. I don’t like you. I never have I never will. This is not up for discussion. He went on to say that everyone needs a little help. So I told him that was true. That I trusted that whoever God brings into my life to help me will be revealed and he would be a Godly man. He had nothing to say after that.
So since I wrote about my crazy incidents with D.A.N.’s I haven’t gone out or hung out with any guys since. I really don’t plan on it either. Most of them have faded out of the picture except one. The nasty foot looker. Like I said he is a cool guy. I don’t mind being cool with him, but he just needs a constant reminder that I don’t like him. At first I felt bad because I am almost mean, but it’s annoying. How do you decide you like someone you don’t even know? We hung out once. We don’t talk on the phone. Every now and then we may text, but it’s very superficial. How does all that amount to liking someone? Or maybe it’s just me. It takes more than that for me to like someone and I can’t expect him to do things the same way I do them.
Anyway today he got on my nerves. We were talking about saving money and he makes some comment about maybe we could put our money together and buy a house. So I asked him why he making the assumption that I would need his help in securing a house. I went on to say that I would not be living with any man before marriage and since he was neither my husband nor a relative that we would not be doing anything together. You know what this bozo said? “You could be my wife in a few years. Only time will tell.” No it won’t tell. I don’t like you. I never have I never will. This is not up for discussion. He went on to say that everyone needs a little help. So I told him that was true. That I trusted that whoever God brings into my life to help me will be revealed and he would be a Godly man. He had nothing to say after that.
Mon Oct 20: healing
Do you remember ever hurting yourself as a kid? Maybe falling of the bike and immediately beginning to cry. Then you looked up to see if anyone was looking and when you realized no one was you stopped crying. It really didn’t hurt enough to illicit tears in the first place. You thought it hurt. It was like a knee jerk reaction. This is how I feel the healing process can be sometimes.
Someone may do something to you that really hurts you. In the beginning, you cried or handled it however was necessary to get through. As time passed, whenever that sore spot was mentioned, like that child you begin to react as you did because it became habit, not because it hurt anymore. I experienced that.
I got some news over the weekend that I thought upset me. So I did what I had done naturally which was cry. But as the tears fell and I thought about it I realized there was no need to cry. I was healed and didn’t really care as much. I almost fell for the trick that I had not yet healed. But I had. Though not fully, I no longer cry when I fall of the bike.
On another note, it was so nice to wake up and hear certain sounds. Birds chirping, trees rustling and the Granada Hills Band playing. I miss those sounds. I had grown accustomed to hearing horns blaring, the boy crying in the building across from me and whatever other random noises I may hear.
The biggest joy of being in California was seeing my girls Sydney and Lauryn. I didn’t realize how much I missed them or how important they were to me. When they saw me their faces lit up and Lauryn just cried. They were huge crocodile tears which made me cry. But looking at them I knew that if no one else in the world loved me, they did. That I didn’t have to be perfect or get everything right. They loved me because I was Dez.
This trip was a breath of fresh air. I took for granted many of the things I had until I didn’t have them anymore. Things like a good hairstylist, places to get a good manicure/pedicure, a good church, good friends, clean streets, etc. It made me miss all of these things. It also made me desire more clarity on why I was in New York and to do the things required to get back to California. That’s where I believe I belong. So as I wait in the airport to return to New York, I reflect on all of this.
Now I am at the airport hours before I am scheduled to depart because I am waiting for _______. That’s how we will refer to him. Tonee calls him Mr. Big, but I hate that name and am not a Sex in the City fan so I can’t make the correlation quite as good as some others. I will give a brief synopsis of who he is and I will probably never mention him again. Just know he is probably there lurking somewhere in the background.
I met Mr. ______ in college back in 2002. We had a gym class together and I thought he was good looking but we never spoke. He stood out because he always had two cell phones on his hip. I thought, “What kind of loser has two cell phones on his hip in gym class?” You know where my mind went to….drug dealer. What is my issue that I think everyone sells drugs? Gosh! Anyway he was always talking to this one girl in class and so I made another assumption…he likes white girls. I was wrong on both accounts. We didn’t talk until halfway through the semester and subsequently began some weird on/off dating thing for the next 3 1/2years. Then we didn’t talk for two years and recently got back in touch with each other. That’s all I will say on him, besides I think he is a great guy, there is a lot I am learning from him and we will always be friends. Unless he does something dumb. Ha ha. Just kidding. Kind of.
Anyway, today I thought would be that qualifier because I was sure that Mr. ____ was going to lose his life. I had gotten to the airport at 2:30, checked in thinking he was going to be there between 2:30 and 3pm. This even left him room if he was a little tardy. 2:30 passed. 3:00, 3:30 and even 4:00pm. I had called but he hadn’t answered. I was infuriated, because in my mind he was late. On top of that he hadn’t picked up the phone until 4:15 to let me know he would be there soon. I wanted to strangle him and had a huge attitude. Especially because I had limited time in California and could’ve been somewhere else or arrived to the airport later. When he arrived I was beyond angry and he was all smiles. I couldn’t believe it. This is the importance of reading and why it’s fundamental. After I had my say he pointed out that he never said 2:30. When I went back through my text he was right. It was on me. He had just come in from a family vacation and had said the earliest he would be there was 2:30 and he would let me know. Oh let me make sure I’m clear. His family meaning his mom, cousins, grandma, etc. not wife and kids. Yeah I don’t do that. Just so we’re clear. Yeah don’t ever skim stuff guys ok? Enough about Mr. ______.
Someone may do something to you that really hurts you. In the beginning, you cried or handled it however was necessary to get through. As time passed, whenever that sore spot was mentioned, like that child you begin to react as you did because it became habit, not because it hurt anymore. I experienced that.
I got some news over the weekend that I thought upset me. So I did what I had done naturally which was cry. But as the tears fell and I thought about it I realized there was no need to cry. I was healed and didn’t really care as much. I almost fell for the trick that I had not yet healed. But I had. Though not fully, I no longer cry when I fall of the bike.
On another note, it was so nice to wake up and hear certain sounds. Birds chirping, trees rustling and the Granada Hills Band playing. I miss those sounds. I had grown accustomed to hearing horns blaring, the boy crying in the building across from me and whatever other random noises I may hear.
The biggest joy of being in California was seeing my girls Sydney and Lauryn. I didn’t realize how much I missed them or how important they were to me. When they saw me their faces lit up and Lauryn just cried. They were huge crocodile tears which made me cry. But looking at them I knew that if no one else in the world loved me, they did. That I didn’t have to be perfect or get everything right. They loved me because I was Dez.
This trip was a breath of fresh air. I took for granted many of the things I had until I didn’t have them anymore. Things like a good hairstylist, places to get a good manicure/pedicure, a good church, good friends, clean streets, etc. It made me miss all of these things. It also made me desire more clarity on why I was in New York and to do the things required to get back to California. That’s where I believe I belong. So as I wait in the airport to return to New York, I reflect on all of this.
Now I am at the airport hours before I am scheduled to depart because I am waiting for _______. That’s how we will refer to him. Tonee calls him Mr. Big, but I hate that name and am not a Sex in the City fan so I can’t make the correlation quite as good as some others. I will give a brief synopsis of who he is and I will probably never mention him again. Just know he is probably there lurking somewhere in the background.
I met Mr. ______ in college back in 2002. We had a gym class together and I thought he was good looking but we never spoke. He stood out because he always had two cell phones on his hip. I thought, “What kind of loser has two cell phones on his hip in gym class?” You know where my mind went to….drug dealer. What is my issue that I think everyone sells drugs? Gosh! Anyway he was always talking to this one girl in class and so I made another assumption…he likes white girls. I was wrong on both accounts. We didn’t talk until halfway through the semester and subsequently began some weird on/off dating thing for the next 3 1/2years. Then we didn’t talk for two years and recently got back in touch with each other. That’s all I will say on him, besides I think he is a great guy, there is a lot I am learning from him and we will always be friends. Unless he does something dumb. Ha ha. Just kidding. Kind of.
Anyway, today I thought would be that qualifier because I was sure that Mr. ____ was going to lose his life. I had gotten to the airport at 2:30, checked in thinking he was going to be there between 2:30 and 3pm. This even left him room if he was a little tardy. 2:30 passed. 3:00, 3:30 and even 4:00pm. I had called but he hadn’t answered. I was infuriated, because in my mind he was late. On top of that he hadn’t picked up the phone until 4:15 to let me know he would be there soon. I wanted to strangle him and had a huge attitude. Especially because I had limited time in California and could’ve been somewhere else or arrived to the airport later. When he arrived I was beyond angry and he was all smiles. I couldn’t believe it. This is the importance of reading and why it’s fundamental. After I had my say he pointed out that he never said 2:30. When I went back through my text he was right. It was on me. He had just come in from a family vacation and had said the earliest he would be there was 2:30 and he would let me know. Oh let me make sure I’m clear. His family meaning his mom, cousins, grandma, etc. not wife and kids. Yeah I don’t do that. Just so we’re clear. Yeah don’t ever skim stuff guys ok? Enough about Mr. ______.
Sun Oct 19 (pictures included): Homecoming
I love my friends. Without a shadow of a doubt they have no shame in being goofy and having fun. I am sure that at age 80 we will still be running around doing things that amuse us only and no one else.
Today was no different. Rhasaan’s Homecoming Birthday Party was a lot of fun. It was nice to be able to see all my friends in one place at one time. See the pictures below but if I had to choose winners based on costumes it would go as follows. 3rd Place: London Tyson and Alicia Green in their rendition of Mi Vida Loca. 2nd Place: Lawrence Franklin as Steve Urkel. He played the part so so well. 1st Place: Devon as Chester the Molester track coach. You can always count on Devon to outdo himself. 0 Place (this is above 1st place): Austin, Devon and Lawrence as Men on Film. Two snaps and a circle gentlemen!
Today was no different. Rhasaan’s Homecoming Birthday Party was a lot of fun. It was nice to be able to see all my friends in one place at one time. See the pictures below but if I had to choose winners based on costumes it would go as follows. 3rd Place: London Tyson and Alicia Green in their rendition of Mi Vida Loca. 2nd Place: Lawrence Franklin as Steve Urkel. He played the part so so well. 1st Place: Devon as Chester the Molester track coach. You can always count on Devon to outdo himself. 0 Place (this is above 1st place): Austin, Devon and Lawrence as Men on Film. Two snaps and a circle gentlemen!
Fri Oct 17
I’m going going back back to Cali Cali. I cannot wait. I am so homesick. I am going to have the best time ever! Nothing can ruin this for me!
Ok so remember when I said nothing could ruin this. I lied. My plane ride was horrible. They sat me behind flippin Shrek the Ogre. He didn’t look like Shrek maybe more like Paul Bunyan. He was just huge and he was wearing overalls! He looked as if he was ready to chop down a tree on the spot. He was big in stature, and girth and I had the privilege of sitting behind him and his wife. She spoke little English and must have thought the whole plane was deaf because she yelled and clearly had no inside voice. She spilled some sort of liquid, he began to yell and tell her to shut up. A baby started to cry but that didn’t ever bother me. Did I mention he used the bathroom no less than five times during the flight? That shouldn’t matter except that he used the seats to anchor him when he got up which means he literally squished me. It was bad.
But who cares? I’ll be in California soon! Will it really matter that I lost the feelings in my legs because he squished me?
Ok so remember when I said nothing could ruin this. I lied. My plane ride was horrible. They sat me behind flippin Shrek the Ogre. He didn’t look like Shrek maybe more like Paul Bunyan. He was just huge and he was wearing overalls! He looked as if he was ready to chop down a tree on the spot. He was big in stature, and girth and I had the privilege of sitting behind him and his wife. She spoke little English and must have thought the whole plane was deaf because she yelled and clearly had no inside voice. She spilled some sort of liquid, he began to yell and tell her to shut up. A baby started to cry but that didn’t ever bother me. Did I mention he used the bathroom no less than five times during the flight? That shouldn’t matter except that he used the seats to anchor him when he got up which means he literally squished me. It was bad.
But who cares? I’ll be in California soon! Will it really matter that I lost the feelings in my legs because he squished me?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sun Oct 12 The Game
It’s ok to watch sports on television but nothing is more exciting than watching it live. I have had quite a few interactions with going to games, but today’s was the most fun and interesting.
One of my brother’s best friends plays for the Cincinnati Bengals so I got free tickets to go. Since my mother was out of town I went with my Godmother. So this is an instant replay of that day with fun easy tips in case you attend a football game in the near future. Though by the time I actually post this Super Bowl will probably have come and gone.
Tip #1: If you plan to attend sports events on a regular basis buy a parking pass. Because we didn’t have a Jets pass and refused to support scalping we had to park all the way across America. Not only that but it cost $25 to park miles and miles away from the stadium.
Tip #2: Be prepared to walk. I felt like Moses and the Israelites leaving Egypt. Because we had to park so far away we ended up taking a school bus to get close to the stadium. I hadn’t been on a yellow school bus since my Sophomore Year of High School. Then we had to take a shuttle that left us in the middle of nowhere and still had to walk a far distance to get to the stadium. “Moses, did you bring us out here to die? You should’ve left us in Egypt!” Yeah that’s how I felt. Plus it was burning up hot.
Tip #3: Bring comfortable shoes. I know that the Israelites’ shoes didn’t wear out for 40 years but I doubt Steve Madden has that same shoe warranty. If you are expecting to snag a football player and trick him into marriage put your cute shoes in a bag and wear sneakers. They can’t see your feet while the game is happening, plus there is a bunch of nasty stuff you could step in.
Tip #4: Know where you are going. Stadiums have more than one entrance. So though we had VIP passes we walked to the regular entrance just to get told we had to go somewhere else. Explain to me why the VIP entrance is further away than the regular entrance. How does that make sense?
Tip #5: Hold on to all of your personal belongings and don’t put anything in your pocket. I thought putting my Godmother’s debit card in my pocket was wise so that no one would try to take it. But it fell out of my pocket and an integral stranger flagged me down and gave it back. That was only God because someone else may have stolen it.
Tip #6: wear sneakers. I know I mentioned this but it’s worth mentioning again. I ate a chili cheese dog and had on flip flops. I spilled chili in between my toes and it was hard to clean out.
Tip#7: Don’t anger the fans of the home team. All of the friends and family of the Bengels sat in the same area, surrounded by Jets fans. People take sports very seriously and don’t like losing. I made sure to sit very still and not even breathe. Maybe no one would notice me. Sidenote: Being that the Bengals were 0-7 it’s going to be really awkward to see ____________ if they lose. What do I say? Hi, sorry you lost. Plus who wants to be bothered with friends and family when they just lost their 8th game? Awkward.
Tip #8: Unless you’re buff keep your shirt on. Why is it that the skinniest dude and the guy with the biggest gut want to paint their bodies and go shirtless? How come a model or some hot guy doesn’t do that?
Tip #9: If you don’t like football find other things to entertain you. Football is cool but there were a lot of other interesting things going on. For instance, the one Jets dancer who was consistently a count behind. She was just off. I figured that maybe it was because she had so much hair and it just slowed her down. Or grown men throwing paper airplanes. I saw tons of paper airplanes flying around and hitting people. At first I thought it was children engaging in such mischief. Nope. Grown men. They ripped up the programs and started aiming at people’s heads.
Tip #10: When around football wives and girlfriends introduce yourself immediately. Dealing with athletes wives is a different type of monster. For one, they talk so bad about women and complain. How come the Jets wives get a dressing room and we don’t? How come they can bring their strollers in but we can’t? How come we have to pay for our own hotel? Maybe because you’re not an athlete. They try to figure out who the new women in VIP are. They try to figure out if that is a new girlfriend or maybe their husband’s girlfriend. Some of these women talk so so bad about women. All I could think is that some of them were those girls at one point. The girl in a particular city and just happened to snag him or get pregnant first. So who are they to judge? By the way, the rings are huge. The biggest rings I have ever seen in my life. So do you understand why I introduced myself? No one was going to be rude to me because they thought I was sleeping with one of the players. It was an awkward situation. I don’t get people sometimes.
One of my brother’s best friends plays for the Cincinnati Bengals so I got free tickets to go. Since my mother was out of town I went with my Godmother. So this is an instant replay of that day with fun easy tips in case you attend a football game in the near future. Though by the time I actually post this Super Bowl will probably have come and gone.
Tip #1: If you plan to attend sports events on a regular basis buy a parking pass. Because we didn’t have a Jets pass and refused to support scalping we had to park all the way across America. Not only that but it cost $25 to park miles and miles away from the stadium.
Tip #2: Be prepared to walk. I felt like Moses and the Israelites leaving Egypt. Because we had to park so far away we ended up taking a school bus to get close to the stadium. I hadn’t been on a yellow school bus since my Sophomore Year of High School. Then we had to take a shuttle that left us in the middle of nowhere and still had to walk a far distance to get to the stadium. “Moses, did you bring us out here to die? You should’ve left us in Egypt!” Yeah that’s how I felt. Plus it was burning up hot.
Tip #3: Bring comfortable shoes. I know that the Israelites’ shoes didn’t wear out for 40 years but I doubt Steve Madden has that same shoe warranty. If you are expecting to snag a football player and trick him into marriage put your cute shoes in a bag and wear sneakers. They can’t see your feet while the game is happening, plus there is a bunch of nasty stuff you could step in.
Tip #4: Know where you are going. Stadiums have more than one entrance. So though we had VIP passes we walked to the regular entrance just to get told we had to go somewhere else. Explain to me why the VIP entrance is further away than the regular entrance. How does that make sense?
Tip #5: Hold on to all of your personal belongings and don’t put anything in your pocket. I thought putting my Godmother’s debit card in my pocket was wise so that no one would try to take it. But it fell out of my pocket and an integral stranger flagged me down and gave it back. That was only God because someone else may have stolen it.
Tip #6: wear sneakers. I know I mentioned this but it’s worth mentioning again. I ate a chili cheese dog and had on flip flops. I spilled chili in between my toes and it was hard to clean out.
Tip#7: Don’t anger the fans of the home team. All of the friends and family of the Bengels sat in the same area, surrounded by Jets fans. People take sports very seriously and don’t like losing. I made sure to sit very still and not even breathe. Maybe no one would notice me. Sidenote: Being that the Bengals were 0-7 it’s going to be really awkward to see ____________ if they lose. What do I say? Hi, sorry you lost. Plus who wants to be bothered with friends and family when they just lost their 8th game? Awkward.
Tip #8: Unless you’re buff keep your shirt on. Why is it that the skinniest dude and the guy with the biggest gut want to paint their bodies and go shirtless? How come a model or some hot guy doesn’t do that?
Tip #9: If you don’t like football find other things to entertain you. Football is cool but there were a lot of other interesting things going on. For instance, the one Jets dancer who was consistently a count behind. She was just off. I figured that maybe it was because she had so much hair and it just slowed her down. Or grown men throwing paper airplanes. I saw tons of paper airplanes flying around and hitting people. At first I thought it was children engaging in such mischief. Nope. Grown men. They ripped up the programs and started aiming at people’s heads.
Tip #10: When around football wives and girlfriends introduce yourself immediately. Dealing with athletes wives is a different type of monster. For one, they talk so bad about women and complain. How come the Jets wives get a dressing room and we don’t? How come they can bring their strollers in but we can’t? How come we have to pay for our own hotel? Maybe because you’re not an athlete. They try to figure out who the new women in VIP are. They try to figure out if that is a new girlfriend or maybe their husband’s girlfriend. Some of these women talk so so bad about women. All I could think is that some of them were those girls at one point. The girl in a particular city and just happened to snag him or get pregnant first. So who are they to judge? By the way, the rings are huge. The biggest rings I have ever seen in my life. So do you understand why I introduced myself? No one was going to be rude to me because they thought I was sleeping with one of the players. It was an awkward situation. I don’t get people sometimes.
Friday Oct 10. The Best Things in Life Aren't Free
I am convinced that no matter what the quality of something is if it’s free people will take it. For instance, my job was giving away a ton of eyeglass cleaner. I noticed it when I went into the cafeteria. Later on I went back and they were all gone. But most of the people here don’t even wear glasses. They also give out two newspapers free daily in New York. The only problem is that it is the most unbalanced and biased trash I have read. Maybe I am more keenly aware because I am a journalism major but unless it is an Op-Ed piece your opinion should not be anywhere in the article. Yet is one of the most widely distributed papers because it’s free. Free dog food? Sure. I’ll take three cans. Who cares if I don’t have a dog. Maybe I’ll get really hungry one day and need a snack. Just because it’s free doesn’t mean we have to take it.
My mom got me the coolest gift. Barbie came out with an Alvin Ailey Doll to celebrate its 50th anniversary and she bought it for me. Most people don’t know that I actually collect Barbie Dolls. Laugh and I’ll choke you. For years now I get a Black Holiday Barbie every Christmas from my mom. Sure she has skipped a few years, but that’s ok. We can get those on Ebay.
At different points in this migration across the US I have related to different characters in the Bible. Right now I feel particularly similar to Abraham. When God told him to leave to go to a new land I’m sure he didn’t want to, but he did. Abraham was very wealthy so leaving all that behind had to be hard. When he left he didn’t know that what he would step into would be so much better and it didn’t manifest itself right away. That’s how I am feeling right at the moment.
I always have these ethical dilemmas so maybe you can help me out. Tell me if this is stealing. I went to Goodwill at lunch today with the wolf. I was looking for some more blazers and such for when I meet with clients. When I get to the register the manager says $20. Now I know that the stuff I had in my hand came to more than $20. Now is this a blessing or stealing? Let me know!
What is really cool about New York is getting to actually experience seasons. It’s not always just hot. I’m a nature girl so fall is my favorite season but it kind of gets glazed over in California. The three trees that I actually see in New York are beautiful. Though I am not looking forward to winter and snow at least I will experience a real winter once in my lifetime.
My mom got me the coolest gift. Barbie came out with an Alvin Ailey Doll to celebrate its 50th anniversary and she bought it for me. Most people don’t know that I actually collect Barbie Dolls. Laugh and I’ll choke you. For years now I get a Black Holiday Barbie every Christmas from my mom. Sure she has skipped a few years, but that’s ok. We can get those on Ebay.
At different points in this migration across the US I have related to different characters in the Bible. Right now I feel particularly similar to Abraham. When God told him to leave to go to a new land I’m sure he didn’t want to, but he did. Abraham was very wealthy so leaving all that behind had to be hard. When he left he didn’t know that what he would step into would be so much better and it didn’t manifest itself right away. That’s how I am feeling right at the moment.
I always have these ethical dilemmas so maybe you can help me out. Tell me if this is stealing. I went to Goodwill at lunch today with the wolf. I was looking for some more blazers and such for when I meet with clients. When I get to the register the manager says $20. Now I know that the stuff I had in my hand came to more than $20. Now is this a blessing or stealing? Let me know!
What is really cool about New York is getting to actually experience seasons. It’s not always just hot. I’m a nature girl so fall is my favorite season but it kind of gets glazed over in California. The three trees that I actually see in New York are beautiful. Though I am not looking forward to winter and snow at least I will experience a real winter once in my lifetime.
Oct 6 Ohio
“If you’re going to live in the hood you need a hood friend” – Mom.
Those were words my mom uttered to me one day. At first I looked at her like she was crazy, but then realized that she was right. Now I didn’t live in the hood per se, but there were parts of my area that were hoodish. Yet, I don’t feel uncomfortable walking down the street. I don’t worry that something is going to happen to me. I feel very safe. I see familiar faces on my block whether they are the deli owner who refers to me as smiley girl or the homeless man who has literally built a house out of boxes on my street.
One of those familiar faces is Ohio. Note: His name has been changed to protect his identity. Ha ha. My mom refers to him as Lil Wayne because he in fact looks like Lil Wayne. From the locks to the gold teeth. We met because everyday walking home I would see him and his friends outside. Everyday he would ask me for my number and everyday I would respectfully decline. He would say he would try again tomorrow and he always did. It became a joke. I expected to see him and him me. He was a very nice guy though I believed he could be involved in some things that weren’t exactly above board. We never talked about this. One day I was going to get pizza from my pizza guy and he was walking and we talked. He had an interesting story. That’s what I love about New York. Being exposed to so many different types of people makes you more tolerant and less judgmental. It allows you to be a witness. I have met so many interesting people. Ohio and I were cool. I felt safe knowing that if anyone messed with me he would be the hood friend that had my back.
Those were words my mom uttered to me one day. At first I looked at her like she was crazy, but then realized that she was right. Now I didn’t live in the hood per se, but there were parts of my area that were hoodish. Yet, I don’t feel uncomfortable walking down the street. I don’t worry that something is going to happen to me. I feel very safe. I see familiar faces on my block whether they are the deli owner who refers to me as smiley girl or the homeless man who has literally built a house out of boxes on my street.
One of those familiar faces is Ohio. Note: His name has been changed to protect his identity. Ha ha. My mom refers to him as Lil Wayne because he in fact looks like Lil Wayne. From the locks to the gold teeth. We met because everyday walking home I would see him and his friends outside. Everyday he would ask me for my number and everyday I would respectfully decline. He would say he would try again tomorrow and he always did. It became a joke. I expected to see him and him me. He was a very nice guy though I believed he could be involved in some things that weren’t exactly above board. We never talked about this. One day I was going to get pizza from my pizza guy and he was walking and we talked. He had an interesting story. That’s what I love about New York. Being exposed to so many different types of people makes you more tolerant and less judgmental. It allows you to be a witness. I have met so many interesting people. Ohio and I were cool. I felt safe knowing that if anyone messed with me he would be the hood friend that had my back.
Oct 3: Breaking News...Tights are not Pants!
If you want people to know that you are not a New Yorker you must boldly do the things that no one else is doing. For me that was wearing shorts and a short sleeved top to work in the fall. Let me clarify. They were more on the side of Capri business like pants and my top was professional enough for casual Friday. But as I walked down the street and entered the subway I began to feel like maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do. Everybody had on jackets and scarves and here comes this dummy in shorts. I just wasn’t cold. You would think that because I’m a California girl I would be colder than everybody else, but I wasn’t. My body hasn’t adjusted to seasons yet. I know it’s fall and winter is coming but I am so not used to layering. Like I really have to go out and buy winter clothes. And tights. I flippin hate tights. They’re like thick stockings which I hate even more. They make me itch and my legs break out in hives. Maybe I could just move to California for the winter. That’s a thought.
Speaking of tights did I mention that I hate them. I always hated them, but even more so now that they’ve become a fashion trend. I mean seriously. They are not flattering on everyone. Newsflash any imperfection you have still shows. If you have cottage cheese and rolls, the tights don’t mask them. Good thing I got that cottage cheese and dimple reduction surgery before I moved here or I would be in trouble. Ok I’m joking. About the surgery. Come on every woman has either a roll, some cheese or stretch marks. Anyway the reason why I bring this up is because tights are just that. Tights. They are not pants. They are meant to be worn under pants, skirts, etc not as a replacement. I hate it when girls wear a shirt and put tights on and think their outfit is complete. Really? That’s tacky. I was in the subway and this girl of a lighter persuasion decided that she was going to wear a shirt and tights. What made it worse was the tights were see through and you could see the entire shape of her butt. It looked gross. I know I am going to see this a lot more here because it actually gets cold here and people wear tights to stay warm not just because it’s a fad.
Speaking of tights did I mention that I hate them. I always hated them, but even more so now that they’ve become a fashion trend. I mean seriously. They are not flattering on everyone. Newsflash any imperfection you have still shows. If you have cottage cheese and rolls, the tights don’t mask them. Good thing I got that cottage cheese and dimple reduction surgery before I moved here or I would be in trouble. Ok I’m joking. About the surgery. Come on every woman has either a roll, some cheese or stretch marks. Anyway the reason why I bring this up is because tights are just that. Tights. They are not pants. They are meant to be worn under pants, skirts, etc not as a replacement. I hate it when girls wear a shirt and put tights on and think their outfit is complete. Really? That’s tacky. I was in the subway and this girl of a lighter persuasion decided that she was going to wear a shirt and tights. What made it worse was the tights were see through and you could see the entire shape of her butt. It looked gross. I know I am going to see this a lot more here because it actually gets cold here and people wear tights to stay warm not just because it’s a fad.
Oct 2: The Power of Knowledge
Knowledge: the circumstance or condition of apprehending truth or fact through reasoning.
Knowledge is something that I think many of us are missing. Most days we meander around never realizing how little we actually know. The only way that ignorance seems to rear its ugly head is when a situation presents itself that forces you to acknowledge what you know or you don’t know. What is even worse is that instead of doing the things we know to do to get the correct answers we rely on what we think we know and in turn disseminate that inaccuracy to others. I have seen this played out more and more in recent weeks because of one thing…the economy.
Now I am in no way a financial guru. But I know what I know and what I don’t know. If I have a question I have no problem asking or researching the answer out. That’s just me. I love to read so I find that subway rides have given me ample time to read up on a lot of subjects.
So I was at the hair salon and I heard the lady doing my hair tell someone on the phone to take all their money out the banks and put it underneath the bed. She was yelling banks weren’t reliable. Riddle me this. What makes underneath your bed any more reliable? What if your dog chewed up all your money? Or your house caught on fire. Your money would be gone. I can understand why she was saying that, but after talking to her the reason she said such things is because she had no knowledge of what was going on. She had gone into panic mode without understanding what she was panicking about. It just brought me back to II Timothy 2:15 that says study to show thyself approved. I think of Daniel who was so wise because he read. It was just a reminder that I need to soak up as much knowledge as I can.
Speaking of hair salons, why does it seem that if I go into a black salon I will be in there no less than three hours? Why must clients be stacked up in such a way that everyone waits forever? It’s enough to make you run around with your hair nappy.
Can any mature man respond to this blog and explain to me why you don’t take no for an answer? Why if you say no it must mean that you have to wait it out? Does it ever occur to the person who continually asks that it may begin to look like begging? Help me out.
Here was my dumb moment of the day. At my job we use Windows Live to IM each other because we are all too lazy to just get up and hold conversations with one another. So somehow I accidently changed my settings to Spanish. So everything reads in Spanish and I can’t change it back because I only understand some of the words. ?Puedes Ayudar?
Knowledge is something that I think many of us are missing. Most days we meander around never realizing how little we actually know. The only way that ignorance seems to rear its ugly head is when a situation presents itself that forces you to acknowledge what you know or you don’t know. What is even worse is that instead of doing the things we know to do to get the correct answers we rely on what we think we know and in turn disseminate that inaccuracy to others. I have seen this played out more and more in recent weeks because of one thing…the economy.
Now I am in no way a financial guru. But I know what I know and what I don’t know. If I have a question I have no problem asking or researching the answer out. That’s just me. I love to read so I find that subway rides have given me ample time to read up on a lot of subjects.
So I was at the hair salon and I heard the lady doing my hair tell someone on the phone to take all their money out the banks and put it underneath the bed. She was yelling banks weren’t reliable. Riddle me this. What makes underneath your bed any more reliable? What if your dog chewed up all your money? Or your house caught on fire. Your money would be gone. I can understand why she was saying that, but after talking to her the reason she said such things is because she had no knowledge of what was going on. She had gone into panic mode without understanding what she was panicking about. It just brought me back to II Timothy 2:15 that says study to show thyself approved. I think of Daniel who was so wise because he read. It was just a reminder that I need to soak up as much knowledge as I can.
Speaking of hair salons, why does it seem that if I go into a black salon I will be in there no less than three hours? Why must clients be stacked up in such a way that everyone waits forever? It’s enough to make you run around with your hair nappy.
Can any mature man respond to this blog and explain to me why you don’t take no for an answer? Why if you say no it must mean that you have to wait it out? Does it ever occur to the person who continually asks that it may begin to look like begging? Help me out.
Here was my dumb moment of the day. At my job we use Windows Live to IM each other because we are all too lazy to just get up and hold conversations with one another. So somehow I accidently changed my settings to Spanish. So everything reads in Spanish and I can’t change it back because I only understand some of the words. ?Puedes Ayudar?
Oct 1: The Silent Enemy
Every office environment is different. Different people, work cultures, etc. But there always seems to be one thing that is prevalent in any workplace. It is a thing of sneaky sorts and spreads like a cancer. Gossip. All you have to do is look around or stay quiet long enough and you see it all around. People whispering and talking behind someone’s back. You can determine that you will not partake and are above this, but believe me the opportunity will always present itself.
There is always a ringleader. Someone who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They come to you as if they are friendly and just getting to know you, but really they are just collecting more ammo.
I met this wolf today. She was very very nice and cunning. I had written that I had a Mean Girls experience so I was already a little skeptical. Nevertheless, this older black woman comes into my cubicle and introduces herself. So we are chit chatting but right away I can see that I will have to keep her at bay. She has been in the company for a long time which meant she had a wealth of information good and bad. I wanted no parts in that.
Two things struck me. One that she would claim through and through that she loved the Lord yet blow her witness so easy. I don’t doubt she loves the Lord at all. It just showed me how I needed to conduct myself because I never wanted anyone to tune me out regarding the Lord because they heard me talking about someone. If I was going to spend 7 hours a day at a place, I wanted to make sure I could be a witness. While she talked I asked God to help me be an example to her and to not get caught up in her messiness.
I get on the elevator to leave work and there is this group of women in there. They all looked like oompa loompas. Not in girth or characteristics, but in stature. They were all short. So I walk in the elevator and I am literally one to two heads taller than all these women. I just smile. They begin to speak in Spanish. Now I am not fluent in Spanish but I understand it and knew that these women were talking about me.
Did they just call me a gordita? No that’s not a real word. That’s an item at Taco Bell. They said gordo which means fat. So I turned around and said, “Are you talking about me? Did you just call me big?” They were shocked and then begin laughing. They went on to explain that I was very tall, which I knew. They should’ve used alto or another word besides fat. I explained it was mis zapatos and they laughed harder. I laughed too but it confirmed one thing for me. When I go to get my manicures and pedicures I know they are talking about me when they start speaking in another language.
So, I knew Spanish enough to understand the women in the elevator, but not enough for the next person I was to encounter. His name was Jose Luis. Seriously. He was trying to ask me out and get my number. I couldn’t really understand him nor could he understand me. I didn’t get for the life of me how he thought we would go on a date when we couldn’t even hold a conversation. It did put the idea back in the forefront of me becoming fluent in Spanish which I am determined to do.
Want to more what’s more awkward than that. Going out with someone a friend suggested you hang out with only to find out mid through that they have a girlfriend. Yes that happened. It wasn’t a date. At all. I mean my friend was literally like you guys are both new to New York and great people. You should hang out and see if you could be friends.
I guess that is fine but I feel like it crosses boundaries a little bit. Now if I already knew him then he got a girlfriend that would be different. But new guy friends that have girlfriends. Something about it seems disrespectful. Maybe I’m being overly cautious but I rather do that then be accused of anything else. Don’t get me wrong he was a nice guy but his girlfriend lives in another state, blah blah blah. I am really just trying to learn to head off situations that could be potential problems. No more drama for 2008.
There is always a ringleader. Someone who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They come to you as if they are friendly and just getting to know you, but really they are just collecting more ammo.
I met this wolf today. She was very very nice and cunning. I had written that I had a Mean Girls experience so I was already a little skeptical. Nevertheless, this older black woman comes into my cubicle and introduces herself. So we are chit chatting but right away I can see that I will have to keep her at bay. She has been in the company for a long time which meant she had a wealth of information good and bad. I wanted no parts in that.
Two things struck me. One that she would claim through and through that she loved the Lord yet blow her witness so easy. I don’t doubt she loves the Lord at all. It just showed me how I needed to conduct myself because I never wanted anyone to tune me out regarding the Lord because they heard me talking about someone. If I was going to spend 7 hours a day at a place, I wanted to make sure I could be a witness. While she talked I asked God to help me be an example to her and to not get caught up in her messiness.
I get on the elevator to leave work and there is this group of women in there. They all looked like oompa loompas. Not in girth or characteristics, but in stature. They were all short. So I walk in the elevator and I am literally one to two heads taller than all these women. I just smile. They begin to speak in Spanish. Now I am not fluent in Spanish but I understand it and knew that these women were talking about me.
Did they just call me a gordita? No that’s not a real word. That’s an item at Taco Bell. They said gordo which means fat. So I turned around and said, “Are you talking about me? Did you just call me big?” They were shocked and then begin laughing. They went on to explain that I was very tall, which I knew. They should’ve used alto or another word besides fat. I explained it was mis zapatos and they laughed harder. I laughed too but it confirmed one thing for me. When I go to get my manicures and pedicures I know they are talking about me when they start speaking in another language.
So, I knew Spanish enough to understand the women in the elevator, but not enough for the next person I was to encounter. His name was Jose Luis. Seriously. He was trying to ask me out and get my number. I couldn’t really understand him nor could he understand me. I didn’t get for the life of me how he thought we would go on a date when we couldn’t even hold a conversation. It did put the idea back in the forefront of me becoming fluent in Spanish which I am determined to do.
Want to more what’s more awkward than that. Going out with someone a friend suggested you hang out with only to find out mid through that they have a girlfriend. Yes that happened. It wasn’t a date. At all. I mean my friend was literally like you guys are both new to New York and great people. You should hang out and see if you could be friends.
I guess that is fine but I feel like it crosses boundaries a little bit. Now if I already knew him then he got a girlfriend that would be different. But new guy friends that have girlfriends. Something about it seems disrespectful. Maybe I’m being overly cautious but I rather do that then be accused of anything else. Don’t get me wrong he was a nice guy but his girlfriend lives in another state, blah blah blah. I am really just trying to learn to head off situations that could be potential problems. No more drama for 2008.
Sept 30 New Beginnings
One of my favorite books of the Bible is Job. I love that though so many perils presented themselves Job did not waver. Even more so I love the underlying message I feel God gave to us. That he never allows things to be taken away from us without returning something. It may not come in the form or person we expected or ever wanted, but he is still faithful. In Job 42:12 it says that, “God blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.” Wow. Today I feel I got a glimpse of that.
At a very young age, I lost my father. No not because he passed away, but because he was human. I can’t speak for him, but in my opinion he either didn’t know how to be a father or didn’t want to be one. Sure I have an email address and if I needed to get a hold of him I could, but he is practically a stranger to me. I have reached out to him several times, have worked hard to forgive him and yet I still have no father (in a sense). Now is this my fault? No. There was nothing I could’ve done to change the decisions he made. But as I mentioned before he never takes away anything that he doesn’t return.
One of the reasons I felt God had moved me to New York was to reconcile with my father and I was open to that. Not because I care about a relationship with him but because I want to be obedient to God and do whatever it takes to free me. As of yet, that reconciliation doesn’t seem as if it is going to happen.
Then I got a call. It was from my Godfather. I actually have two sets of Godparents but hadn’t really formed any real bonds. I hadn’t spoken or seen my Godfather in over ten years. We had lost contact.
Randomly he happened to walk into the store my brother manages. For some reason my brother kept staring at him and he looked familiar. It is still strange to me that he would even recognize him. Eventually they talked and put together the pieces. My Godfather got my number and called me. We began to talk and he told me that he felt a pressing from God to be a father figure in my life. Not to replace my father but to be someone that I could go to. It was bittersweet. Sweet because this man desired to fill a hole in my life and I wasn’t his daughter. He wasn’t asking me for anything or trying to con me. He just wanted to be there for me. Bitter because I couldn’t understand how a man who wasn’t my father could have a stronger desire to be a part of my life than my actual father did. How after all these years he picked up the phone and apologized to me for getting out of touch when I will probably never hear an apology uttered out of my father’s lips. Now I’m not bashing my dad. I’m not angry at him and have forgiven him. It is awkward because I don’t know exactly how to form this relationship. How to open up. I have no clue, but it’s ok. I just thought it really cool that after all these years I would have a chance to have a father.
P.S. This doesn’t dismiss or downplay anybody who has been a positive role model in my life. Pastor Chuck, I thank you for what you showed me about how a father should love his daughters. I’m sorry I wasn’t at a place to be closer to you and talk to you more. I just didn’t know how. It was and is foreign territory for me. Still it doesn’t take away from how much I love you and appreciate all you have done for me.
At a very young age, I lost my father. No not because he passed away, but because he was human. I can’t speak for him, but in my opinion he either didn’t know how to be a father or didn’t want to be one. Sure I have an email address and if I needed to get a hold of him I could, but he is practically a stranger to me. I have reached out to him several times, have worked hard to forgive him and yet I still have no father (in a sense). Now is this my fault? No. There was nothing I could’ve done to change the decisions he made. But as I mentioned before he never takes away anything that he doesn’t return.
One of the reasons I felt God had moved me to New York was to reconcile with my father and I was open to that. Not because I care about a relationship with him but because I want to be obedient to God and do whatever it takes to free me. As of yet, that reconciliation doesn’t seem as if it is going to happen.
Then I got a call. It was from my Godfather. I actually have two sets of Godparents but hadn’t really formed any real bonds. I hadn’t spoken or seen my Godfather in over ten years. We had lost contact.
Randomly he happened to walk into the store my brother manages. For some reason my brother kept staring at him and he looked familiar. It is still strange to me that he would even recognize him. Eventually they talked and put together the pieces. My Godfather got my number and called me. We began to talk and he told me that he felt a pressing from God to be a father figure in my life. Not to replace my father but to be someone that I could go to. It was bittersweet. Sweet because this man desired to fill a hole in my life and I wasn’t his daughter. He wasn’t asking me for anything or trying to con me. He just wanted to be there for me. Bitter because I couldn’t understand how a man who wasn’t my father could have a stronger desire to be a part of my life than my actual father did. How after all these years he picked up the phone and apologized to me for getting out of touch when I will probably never hear an apology uttered out of my father’s lips. Now I’m not bashing my dad. I’m not angry at him and have forgiven him. It is awkward because I don’t know exactly how to form this relationship. How to open up. I have no clue, but it’s ok. I just thought it really cool that after all these years I would have a chance to have a father.
P.S. This doesn’t dismiss or downplay anybody who has been a positive role model in my life. Pastor Chuck, I thank you for what you showed me about how a father should love his daughters. I’m sorry I wasn’t at a place to be closer to you and talk to you more. I just didn’t know how. It was and is foreign territory for me. Still it doesn’t take away from how much I love you and appreciate all you have done for me.
Sept 29: My first day
How come your first day of anything never works out quite like you plan? It seems that regardless of the preparation you put in it still begins to unravel. That’s how my first day of work began. I don’t have to be at work until 9am, but I was up at 6am for prayer. I was out of the house by 8am so that I had ample time to get to work. One stop from my exit the train decides to stop running which left me twenty minutes behind. I try to stay calm and relax but in my mind I’m thinking it will be really bad if I am late my first day. Using the excuse of train trouble is like using the excuse of traffic in LA. Though true, there will always train trouble or traffic issues. Everyone knows that and you have to factor that into your travel time.
So I exit the train and hop onto the next train. Did I mention that it was the wrong train? Yeah how ignorant is that?
I finally get to work but have to check in as a visitor because it’s my first day. And every foreign exchange student in America is in the visitor’s line. I can’t figure out why but I am assuming somewhere in this massive building is some type of office for them.
I finally get to my office and am greeted by the woman who will be training me. She shows me to my cubicle. Two things made me so excited. First, were all the PostIts I had in my drawer. I love PostIts. I was in PostIt heaven. It wasn’t just the yellow ones. There were pink ,green etc and I was so excited. I know it sounds crazy but I love them!
The second thing was that I had a cubicle. I’ve never had a cubicle. I could decorate it and it would be my own space. This may seem silly but right now I have no space carved out on this planet that belongs only to me. To some a cubicle is like a big sign screaming welcome to mediocrity but for me it’s a step in the right direction. Its proof God’s got me (it’s the salary I asked for) and I know I’m where I should be for now.
Things were going seemingly well until it was lunchtime. Has anyone seen Mean Girls? Great great movie. Well I stepped straight into a scene of that movie. I walked into the cafeteria perky and excited to meet co-workers. When I spoke I was met with smirks and unconcerned looks. It was as if they were saying why should we care who you are? I felt really uncomfortable. What was even more alarming was this was the first interaction I had with my black co-workers. Why was it necessary to be rude? I had the sudden urge to eat in the bathroom like Lindsay Lohan but that’s gross so I just ate in my cubicle.
Later in the day I had to use the bathroom, but I had to wait until someone was available to take me because you need a key card for the bathroom. I felt like the third graders who have to go to the bathroom in twos. I’m a big girl now just let me borrow your card and pee. On the way to the bathroom (finally), I had to stop to meet one of my bosses. So there I am standing there being introduced and all I can do is hope I don’t pee on myself. I just squeeze my thighs together and smile.
I think I am finally going to get to go to the bathroom, but then my trainer says I may as well wait because we are about to go get my key cards then I can go. You have got to be kidding me. It was like the longest walk ever to get those stupid key cards. Sidenote: The building where I had to get my keycard had a crazy looking receptionist. Ok. She wasn’t crazy looking but receptionists have to be well put together. I know this from experience. It is the first impression anyone gets when they walk into your company. With that said they should be presentable, dress nice and have their hair combed. This receptionist in particular decided that she was going to take the day off from doing her hair and have an attitude. Back to my day…
Finally I got to go the bathroom. I wish someone would have told me that you can get into the bathroom without a key card. It was getting out that was the problem. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why you needed a key card to leave the bathroom. What did they think I was gonna do take the toilet paper hostage? I later found out it was a shared bathroom between many companies and this ensured no one walked into another company and stole stuff. Whatever.
So I exit the train and hop onto the next train. Did I mention that it was the wrong train? Yeah how ignorant is that?
I finally get to work but have to check in as a visitor because it’s my first day. And every foreign exchange student in America is in the visitor’s line. I can’t figure out why but I am assuming somewhere in this massive building is some type of office for them.
I finally get to my office and am greeted by the woman who will be training me. She shows me to my cubicle. Two things made me so excited. First, were all the PostIts I had in my drawer. I love PostIts. I was in PostIt heaven. It wasn’t just the yellow ones. There were pink ,green etc and I was so excited. I know it sounds crazy but I love them!
The second thing was that I had a cubicle. I’ve never had a cubicle. I could decorate it and it would be my own space. This may seem silly but right now I have no space carved out on this planet that belongs only to me. To some a cubicle is like a big sign screaming welcome to mediocrity but for me it’s a step in the right direction. Its proof God’s got me (it’s the salary I asked for) and I know I’m where I should be for now.
Things were going seemingly well until it was lunchtime. Has anyone seen Mean Girls? Great great movie. Well I stepped straight into a scene of that movie. I walked into the cafeteria perky and excited to meet co-workers. When I spoke I was met with smirks and unconcerned looks. It was as if they were saying why should we care who you are? I felt really uncomfortable. What was even more alarming was this was the first interaction I had with my black co-workers. Why was it necessary to be rude? I had the sudden urge to eat in the bathroom like Lindsay Lohan but that’s gross so I just ate in my cubicle.
Later in the day I had to use the bathroom, but I had to wait until someone was available to take me because you need a key card for the bathroom. I felt like the third graders who have to go to the bathroom in twos. I’m a big girl now just let me borrow your card and pee. On the way to the bathroom (finally), I had to stop to meet one of my bosses. So there I am standing there being introduced and all I can do is hope I don’t pee on myself. I just squeeze my thighs together and smile.
I think I am finally going to get to go to the bathroom, but then my trainer says I may as well wait because we are about to go get my key cards then I can go. You have got to be kidding me. It was like the longest walk ever to get those stupid key cards. Sidenote: The building where I had to get my keycard had a crazy looking receptionist. Ok. She wasn’t crazy looking but receptionists have to be well put together. I know this from experience. It is the first impression anyone gets when they walk into your company. With that said they should be presentable, dress nice and have their hair combed. This receptionist in particular decided that she was going to take the day off from doing her hair and have an attitude. Back to my day…
Finally I got to go the bathroom. I wish someone would have told me that you can get into the bathroom without a key card. It was getting out that was the problem. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why you needed a key card to leave the bathroom. What did they think I was gonna do take the toilet paper hostage? I later found out it was a shared bathroom between many companies and this ensured no one walked into another company and stole stuff. Whatever.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Sept 26: White Humor
So contrary to popular belief most people in New York aren’t mean. At first glance you could make that assumption but people are still people. As I was leaving the building this morning it begins to rain. A stranger who I have never seen but apparently lives in my building gave me his umbrella and continued his walk in the rain. How nice was that!
Today is what my mom would consider a Tupac Friday. I wasn’t sure why she called them that. Then she told me that on Fridays while she was at work she would play Tupac or Ludacris in her office. I could imagine the look on a co-workers face as the walk into her office to hear I Get Around playing. That’s priceless.
So I was at work today and this older white guy comes up to talk to me. He is one of my favorite people there. He is just so nice. So he comes up to me and says, “Can I tell you who you look like and please don’t get offended.” Uh oh. This can’t be good. “Ok. Go ahead and tell me.” He pauses. “You look like Whitley Gilbert from Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” I just stare at him. “You mean Hilary?” He thinks about it. “Yes yes her. You look just like her and you talk like her and everything!”
I busted out laughing. It was the funniest thing to me. He just jacked up all the black shows. The crazy thing is this isn’t the first time I’ve heard that. I actually have gotten told that I look like her since high school. Or they say a dark skinned version of Hilary Banks. If I look like her does it matter what color? Now I don’t see the resemblance at all. The only thing I can gather is we have the same type of nose…kind of. I don’t know, but I’ve heard it quite a bit.
Today is what my mom would consider a Tupac Friday. I wasn’t sure why she called them that. Then she told me that on Fridays while she was at work she would play Tupac or Ludacris in her office. I could imagine the look on a co-workers face as the walk into her office to hear I Get Around playing. That’s priceless.
So I was at work today and this older white guy comes up to talk to me. He is one of my favorite people there. He is just so nice. So he comes up to me and says, “Can I tell you who you look like and please don’t get offended.” Uh oh. This can’t be good. “Ok. Go ahead and tell me.” He pauses. “You look like Whitley Gilbert from Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” I just stare at him. “You mean Hilary?” He thinks about it. “Yes yes her. You look just like her and you talk like her and everything!”
I busted out laughing. It was the funniest thing to me. He just jacked up all the black shows. The crazy thing is this isn’t the first time I’ve heard that. I actually have gotten told that I look like her since high school. Or they say a dark skinned version of Hilary Banks. If I look like her does it matter what color? Now I don’t see the resemblance at all. The only thing I can gather is we have the same type of nose…kind of. I don’t know, but I’ve heard it quite a bit.
Sunday, Sept. 21, 2008 What do I have to offer?
My heart is so grieved at this very moment. I know for many people this city represents visions of grandeur and lavish, but there is also a very ugly side. There is a certain preparation that you must have to come live here. As a tourist or just visiting you may easily miss it. The best way I can put it is that New York is sick. I’m not talking about sick in the slang sense or sick like gross. I mean physically sick. This place needs so much help.
It is not always represented, but I am an extremely compassionate person. I have a hard time walking by people who need help and not doing something. That’s hard in a place like this. Yes I make jokes about homeless people and people on drugs but it’s a real epidemic. And when you’re so compassionate you can get tricked because you can help people who may not really need or want the help.
Everyday I walk by the homeless, those addicted to drugs, men posing as women, homosexual couples, young pregnant girls and I grieve. It makes me feel sad and helpless because I know on a large scale I can’t do much about it.
Today did it in for me though. Let me set the backdrop. Yesterday, my mother and I went to get pedicures and I ran across a woman who runs a dance team for little girls. She was interested in me coming to help her. I said yes, but as I talked to her I was upset with her. She told me about how she cusses the girls out when they misbehave or how she doesn’t allow fat girls on her team or how the theme of the girl’s show was Bad Girls. My mind couldn’t wrap around how she didn’t understand that she was setting these girls up for failure.
Then today we visited yet another church (that in and of itself is a different story) and the preacher was talking about loving generously. How you didn’t have to change the world to affect someone’s life and show the love of God.
Afterwards my mom and I went to this Africa Day parade and my stomach got sick. All these little girls in the parade from different dance groups and drill teams gyrating to inappropriate music. Young teenage boys confused about their identity prancing around in the same outfits as the girls. Girls who leaned more to the thick side wearing clothes that weren’t flattering to their body types. And most of these girls had to be under the age of 15. Over and over I watched and I cried. I was so angry at their mothers and these dance team leaders. They had no clue that the audience was ridiculing them. I wish you could’ve seen this but I wouldn’t take pictures and let someone else see it. I just kept thinking why Lord? Why? How is this ok? Don’t people see that this is a problem? Why do you have me here in the midst of all of this? What the heck do you want me to do? I don’t want the time I’m here to be for granted.
I still don’t have the answer but I have a start. I know that I love dance and I love mentoring and encouraging young girls. I have also realized I have no true desire to be a “dancer.” I don’t want to dance with Ailey or be in videos. I do want to use the gift that God has given me to help others. All this time I have been trying to be a dancer because that’s what other people were telling me. That if I didn’t accomplish a or b that it would be a waste. All that has done is put me in a box and stressed me out. I don’t want to be in five dance classes a day. I am not willing to sleep in my car to “make it.” I don’t have that drive and tenacity. Yes I have a heart for dance. But that heartbeat I believe lies in something that makes a difference. When I look back whether I dance for Chris Brown or not it doesn’t matter. But if I taught girls about self esteem, discipline through dance then I did what I was supposed to do. So that’s what I plan to do. Start finding some organization or program I can be involved in until I can start my own. Take a few classes a week just because I love to dance and not to make it or impress anybody else. I think that will make me a little bit happier.
Oh did I mention that on the way to the parade a man randomly decided to walk down the street with his Johnson in hand. Just waving it like a flashlight. That’s gross. Then I think how he probably won’t wash his hands. He will probably ride the train and hold on to a rail. A rail that I will later grab with my hand. The same hand I will use to move my hair out of my face. Yeah so I’m thinking hand sanitizer should be a requirement for the contents of my purse.
It is not always represented, but I am an extremely compassionate person. I have a hard time walking by people who need help and not doing something. That’s hard in a place like this. Yes I make jokes about homeless people and people on drugs but it’s a real epidemic. And when you’re so compassionate you can get tricked because you can help people who may not really need or want the help.
Everyday I walk by the homeless, those addicted to drugs, men posing as women, homosexual couples, young pregnant girls and I grieve. It makes me feel sad and helpless because I know on a large scale I can’t do much about it.
Today did it in for me though. Let me set the backdrop. Yesterday, my mother and I went to get pedicures and I ran across a woman who runs a dance team for little girls. She was interested in me coming to help her. I said yes, but as I talked to her I was upset with her. She told me about how she cusses the girls out when they misbehave or how she doesn’t allow fat girls on her team or how the theme of the girl’s show was Bad Girls. My mind couldn’t wrap around how she didn’t understand that she was setting these girls up for failure.
Then today we visited yet another church (that in and of itself is a different story) and the preacher was talking about loving generously. How you didn’t have to change the world to affect someone’s life and show the love of God.
Afterwards my mom and I went to this Africa Day parade and my stomach got sick. All these little girls in the parade from different dance groups and drill teams gyrating to inappropriate music. Young teenage boys confused about their identity prancing around in the same outfits as the girls. Girls who leaned more to the thick side wearing clothes that weren’t flattering to their body types. And most of these girls had to be under the age of 15. Over and over I watched and I cried. I was so angry at their mothers and these dance team leaders. They had no clue that the audience was ridiculing them. I wish you could’ve seen this but I wouldn’t take pictures and let someone else see it. I just kept thinking why Lord? Why? How is this ok? Don’t people see that this is a problem? Why do you have me here in the midst of all of this? What the heck do you want me to do? I don’t want the time I’m here to be for granted.
I still don’t have the answer but I have a start. I know that I love dance and I love mentoring and encouraging young girls. I have also realized I have no true desire to be a “dancer.” I don’t want to dance with Ailey or be in videos. I do want to use the gift that God has given me to help others. All this time I have been trying to be a dancer because that’s what other people were telling me. That if I didn’t accomplish a or b that it would be a waste. All that has done is put me in a box and stressed me out. I don’t want to be in five dance classes a day. I am not willing to sleep in my car to “make it.” I don’t have that drive and tenacity. Yes I have a heart for dance. But that heartbeat I believe lies in something that makes a difference. When I look back whether I dance for Chris Brown or not it doesn’t matter. But if I taught girls about self esteem, discipline through dance then I did what I was supposed to do. So that’s what I plan to do. Start finding some organization or program I can be involved in until I can start my own. Take a few classes a week just because I love to dance and not to make it or impress anybody else. I think that will make me a little bit happier.
Oh did I mention that on the way to the parade a man randomly decided to walk down the street with his Johnson in hand. Just waving it like a flashlight. That’s gross. Then I think how he probably won’t wash his hands. He will probably ride the train and hold on to a rail. A rail that I will later grab with my hand. The same hand I will use to move my hair out of my face. Yeah so I’m thinking hand sanitizer should be a requirement for the contents of my purse.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, Sept 19 D.A.N.s
Warning. Before you read this entry understand that I am in no way speaking for a whole group of people. I do not hate men. I love men. Wait that didn’t sound right. What I mean is I am not one of those women who bashes men or thinks they are horrible. Blah blah blah. I have met too many good men to feel that way. The men who were really truly after God’s heart that I have known for the past six or seven years are amazing. But…they are not residing in this state and I am just telling you my experience.
I have decided to call the ignorant men I meet D.A.N. Now I don’t know anyone named Dan but as I walked one day and another dude smacked his lips and made a comment one thought came into my head…Dumb apple Negro. Now I don’t cuss so in my head the word really was apple. I know it’s still wrong and just replaces a cuss word so I repented. Now if I did cuss apple would’ve definitely been another word. That’s not the point. At some point I realized that the first letter of those words made D.A.N. So if I meet you and ever smile and call you D.A.N. that is not a good thing.
I have decided to call the ignorant men I meet D.A.N. Now I don’t know anyone named Dan but as I walked one day and another dude smacked his lips and made a comment one thought came into my head…Dumb apple Negro. Now I don’t cuss so in my head the word really was apple. I know it’s still wrong and just replaces a cuss word so I repented. Now if I did cuss apple would’ve definitely been another word. That’s not the point. At some point I realized that the first letter of those words made D.A.N. So if I meet you and ever smile and call you D.A.N. that is not a good thing.
Thursday Sept 18 Privileged
I’m privileged. I may not be wealthy financially (yet), but I still think I am so so privileged. When I think about the people that I have been surrounded by, I don’t take it for granted. At least I try not to. Not everyone has the privilege to be surrounded by educated people. Most of my friends and people I know have degrees. All around me I know people starting their own businesses. I see people who serve the Lord and aren’t total prudes. People who are financially savvy. That makes me privileged. I’ve seen that I can start my own business, that I can be financially independent. That gives me a confidence others have to fight for. Today I am grateful.
What brought this to the forefront of my mind? Wall Street. Wall Street is a huge part of New York. Amidst all the craziness and mass hysteria I am relatively calm. I have money invested in the market as well, but I’m not worried. Partially because I am claiming in faith that though we are in a recession I will not suffer the consequences of such. Also because I understand money and the market, but I only know this stuff because people around me taught me and pointed me to the right places to research and read. I think that’s pretty cool.
What brought this to the forefront of my mind? Wall Street. Wall Street is a huge part of New York. Amidst all the craziness and mass hysteria I am relatively calm. I have money invested in the market as well, but I’m not worried. Partially because I am claiming in faith that though we are in a recession I will not suffer the consequences of such. Also because I understand money and the market, but I only know this stuff because people around me taught me and pointed me to the right places to research and read. I think that’s pretty cool.
Mon Sept 15 Hi Haters
Is it just in our nature to be haters? Is it a skill you develop or is it inherent? Why do we do this to ourselves and others? It makes absolutely no sense.
I bring this up because a couple of people at the place I temp decided to start a rumor about me and a co-worker. It made no sense to me. First off, I’m a temp. I literally sit in the back corner somewhere stuffing envelopes and sending checks. I don’t really bother anyone and I’m pretty quiet so you don’t even realize I’m there. I speak to people, am friendly and do whatever I am assigned to do to the best of my ability. I think that made people nervous. I was beginning to get a good reputation and the people in charge seemed to really take to me. They had already let one person go to keep me on and I’m not sure if that bugged people. So what was the rumor? Too stupid to even discuss. Just don’t assume that if you see people talking that they are somehow involved. Especially if one of them is old enough to be your daddy, married with four kids and one on the way. Assume it even less if when you listen in on their conversation they are talking about the Lord and he raves about how wonderful his wife is and how much he loves his family.
I’ve mentioned over and over that living here has forced me to literally talk to new people every day. Some days I am tired and don’t feel like it, but you never really know who you’re going to meet. Today I met Miriam. I don’t know what drew me to her. Maybe it was the fact that she was a teenage girl and I like working with teens. All I know is that within minutes she was telling me her whole life story. She was Muslim and on a thirty day fast. Right then I admired her. To be sixteen with the dedication to fast for thirty days, no food, water, nothing takes a lot. And she had been doing it for years. So I began asking her questions about being Muslim and she began asking me questions about being Christian. It wasn’t a debate, no one was trying to force the others religion on the other. We just talked. She talked about how straight my teeth were and how she hated hers. I explained how I went through high school and half of college looking snaggle toothed. At the end of the conversation did she want to become a Christian? No. Did she leave feeling encouraged and knowing that God loved her and that can be demonstrated by a stranger speaking to her? Yes.
New York is a melting pot. It just so happens that I live in an area with a lot of Muslims. I have watched them and questioned why as Christians we don’t have the same dedication. They pray three times a day faithfully much like Daniel did, but sometimes I look up and haven’t talked to God once. From the time she was a child Miriam fasted every September with nothing touching her lips as many Muslims do. We complain and can’t make it through one day of fasting sometime. We say no food but go and drink two or three Jamba Juices. Why? How come that level and dedication to God is not automatically built into our relationships? It made me repent on the spot for not doing all I could to dedicate myself to the Christ who gave up his very life for me.
I bring this up because a couple of people at the place I temp decided to start a rumor about me and a co-worker. It made no sense to me. First off, I’m a temp. I literally sit in the back corner somewhere stuffing envelopes and sending checks. I don’t really bother anyone and I’m pretty quiet so you don’t even realize I’m there. I speak to people, am friendly and do whatever I am assigned to do to the best of my ability. I think that made people nervous. I was beginning to get a good reputation and the people in charge seemed to really take to me. They had already let one person go to keep me on and I’m not sure if that bugged people. So what was the rumor? Too stupid to even discuss. Just don’t assume that if you see people talking that they are somehow involved. Especially if one of them is old enough to be your daddy, married with four kids and one on the way. Assume it even less if when you listen in on their conversation they are talking about the Lord and he raves about how wonderful his wife is and how much he loves his family.
I’ve mentioned over and over that living here has forced me to literally talk to new people every day. Some days I am tired and don’t feel like it, but you never really know who you’re going to meet. Today I met Miriam. I don’t know what drew me to her. Maybe it was the fact that she was a teenage girl and I like working with teens. All I know is that within minutes she was telling me her whole life story. She was Muslim and on a thirty day fast. Right then I admired her. To be sixteen with the dedication to fast for thirty days, no food, water, nothing takes a lot. And she had been doing it for years. So I began asking her questions about being Muslim and she began asking me questions about being Christian. It wasn’t a debate, no one was trying to force the others religion on the other. We just talked. She talked about how straight my teeth were and how she hated hers. I explained how I went through high school and half of college looking snaggle toothed. At the end of the conversation did she want to become a Christian? No. Did she leave feeling encouraged and knowing that God loved her and that can be demonstrated by a stranger speaking to her? Yes.
New York is a melting pot. It just so happens that I live in an area with a lot of Muslims. I have watched them and questioned why as Christians we don’t have the same dedication. They pray three times a day faithfully much like Daniel did, but sometimes I look up and haven’t talked to God once. From the time she was a child Miriam fasted every September with nothing touching her lips as many Muslims do. We complain and can’t make it through one day of fasting sometime. We say no food but go and drink two or three Jamba Juices. Why? How come that level and dedication to God is not automatically built into our relationships? It made me repent on the spot for not doing all I could to dedicate myself to the Christ who gave up his very life for me.
Sun Sept 14, 2008 The Adventures of Church Girl
If I were to die today, when I met God I would have just one question. It wouldn’t be what is the meaning to life or why he let so and so do whatever they did. I would have one question for God. Why was it so hard to find a church in New York? I mean throw me a bone here. It’s not like I’m not trying. What lesson were you trying to teach me? Okay that’s two questions but ok.
Stay tuned for this week’s adventure of the black girl who can’t find a church. This week we have black girl traveling to Brooklyn to what’s supposed to be an awesome church. Black girl is really excited because her past church experiences have left her a little hungry for corporate worship. She gets to the subway. Twenty minute wait. She hops on the subway. Forty five minute ride. By this time black girl is a little panicked. She only allotted 1 ½ hours travel time to church and now it appears she may be late. She exits the subway to catch the bus. Fifteen minute wait. Black girl decides to start walking the same route the bus takes. How far would she really have to walk?
Ten minutes later…Black girl decides to just wait for the bus. Its 80 degrees plus humidity and she forgot to wear her invisible suit that makes her impervious to heat. Twenty minutes later the bus comes. Have you been adding? It’s been almost two hours and black girl has not made it to church. She is late and probably missing the ushers taking up the third offering right now. She is on the bus just riding. Riding. Wishing her cape wasn’t in the shop so she could fly to church. By this time it’s close to 11:15 and church started 45 minutes ago. Black girl feels her powers fading as it seems she may never reach her destination and get reenergized. But wait! Just then she remembers she has a source of power stored in her purse. Aw wait. Yes there it is. She pulls out her Bible! Duh duh duh duh duh (that’s silly superhero music). So she decides that she doesn’t want to disrespect someone’s church by walking in more than an hour late. She gets off the bus, crosses the street and waits for the bus that will take her in the opposite direction home.
All jokes aside this really did happen and looking for a church has been discouraging. Please pray.
Stay tuned for this week’s adventure of the black girl who can’t find a church. This week we have black girl traveling to Brooklyn to what’s supposed to be an awesome church. Black girl is really excited because her past church experiences have left her a little hungry for corporate worship. She gets to the subway. Twenty minute wait. She hops on the subway. Forty five minute ride. By this time black girl is a little panicked. She only allotted 1 ½ hours travel time to church and now it appears she may be late. She exits the subway to catch the bus. Fifteen minute wait. Black girl decides to start walking the same route the bus takes. How far would she really have to walk?
Ten minutes later…Black girl decides to just wait for the bus. Its 80 degrees plus humidity and she forgot to wear her invisible suit that makes her impervious to heat. Twenty minutes later the bus comes. Have you been adding? It’s been almost two hours and black girl has not made it to church. She is late and probably missing the ushers taking up the third offering right now. She is on the bus just riding. Riding. Wishing her cape wasn’t in the shop so she could fly to church. By this time it’s close to 11:15 and church started 45 minutes ago. Black girl feels her powers fading as it seems she may never reach her destination and get reenergized. But wait! Just then she remembers she has a source of power stored in her purse. Aw wait. Yes there it is. She pulls out her Bible! Duh duh duh duh duh (that’s silly superhero music). So she decides that she doesn’t want to disrespect someone’s church by walking in more than an hour late. She gets off the bus, crosses the street and waits for the bus that will take her in the opposite direction home.
All jokes aside this really did happen and looking for a church has been discouraging. Please pray.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday, Sept. 12, 2008 What is corny?
Has anyone ever come up to you and say something and you feel it’s the corniest, lamest thing ever said? I know I have been on both the giving and receiving side of corniest. Do we mean to be corny? I don’t think so. Sometimes it just comes out that way. For instance, there is this guy at my job who makes it very clear that he is interested in me. The nasty feet looker. Though I have told him that he needs to back it up and keep it in the friend zone he keeps throwing himself in front of the bus. I have clearly stated that it will never happen in those exact words. There is a point to this.
The other day I was walking up the block to work. We never see each other because he is supposed to get to work before me. This particular day he was late. So we get to the door at the same time and we start chatting. Later in the day he sends me a text that says, “I would be late a million times just to see you walk up the block once more.” Are you serious? CORNY!!! I know some of you are probably back on why this guy has my number but everyone has my number so that’s irrelevant. It was such a corny statement and sounded like a line. It literally made me nauseous. Who says once more? Dude you’re from Brooklyn. You’re not flipping Shakespeare. You don’t talk like that. You wear Tims and a hat with the sticker on it to work. Give me a break.
So this brought me to the idea of corny. Now was what he said corny because it just was or because I have no interest in him romantically? I think it’s the latter. If someone that I was really interested in said something like that I would probably think it was so sweet and call my friends. But because this knucklehead said it I’m ready to dismiss it. I believe much like common sense, corny is relative to your experience and frame of reference.
Sidenote…If I go to one more audition and someone tells me I remind them of Ciara I may inflict harm on them. Don’t get me wrong Ciara is beautiful but we don’t look alike. I don’t even think we dance alike. Why can’t I just look like Dez?
The other day I was walking up the block to work. We never see each other because he is supposed to get to work before me. This particular day he was late. So we get to the door at the same time and we start chatting. Later in the day he sends me a text that says, “I would be late a million times just to see you walk up the block once more.” Are you serious? CORNY!!! I know some of you are probably back on why this guy has my number but everyone has my number so that’s irrelevant. It was such a corny statement and sounded like a line. It literally made me nauseous. Who says once more? Dude you’re from Brooklyn. You’re not flipping Shakespeare. You don’t talk like that. You wear Tims and a hat with the sticker on it to work. Give me a break.
So this brought me to the idea of corny. Now was what he said corny because it just was or because I have no interest in him romantically? I think it’s the latter. If someone that I was really interested in said something like that I would probably think it was so sweet and call my friends. But because this knucklehead said it I’m ready to dismiss it. I believe much like common sense, corny is relative to your experience and frame of reference.
Sidenote…If I go to one more audition and someone tells me I remind them of Ciara I may inflict harm on them. Don’t get me wrong Ciara is beautiful but we don’t look alike. I don’t even think we dance alike. Why can’t I just look like Dez?
Weds Sept. 10: Psssssss off
I have never seen so many Dunkin Donuts in my life! Honestly I didn’t even know they were still around until I got to New York. They are like 7-11’s out here. There is literally one on every block. It’s the biggest chain/franchise in the state of New York. That is crazy. With the decline of Krispy Kreme I didn’t know people still ate donuts so much. I’m much more of a fan of Winchell’s or anyplace they give you a pink box when you order a dozen.
You know what else I see on every corner? Rude people. It makes me so upset when people are inconsiderate of one another. I literally want to lose it. For instance, where I am temping there is a massive wait for the elevator if you arrive right at 9am. So I watch people who are late see the long line of people and jump in front of everyone when the elevator opens. Who does that? Just blatantly rude and it makes me want to check them on the spot.
Let’s continue with things common to New York street corners. Hmmm. Bad apple kids. Apple is the nice way to say it, but just kids that need whippings. Often. This little girl who couldn’t have been more than ten was a professional curser. She just about cursed out everyone in the pizza place. I mean cussed them all the way out. All I could do was look at her and tell her that she was too young to have such a foul mouth. All over the place kids were running outside like rodents unleashed on the city. It’s especially difficult because we live on a street where many African families live. It’s definitely more family oriented so all their little bad kids run around. Run in the building and push all the elevator buttons so that by the time you step on you have to go to every floor. Just what you wanted to do after a long day of work. Thank you little bad kid. You should get a treat. How about a Scooby snack? I guess in a way I can’t be mad at them. I think part of the issue is these kids don’t have anywhere to play. There are no playgrounds nearby and if there were many of their parents work. On top of that many of the apartments are too small and overcrowded. I mean I really try to be sensitive to that. Until some kids soccer ball comes flying at my head and I decide I will be getting my tubes tied the very next day.
Thank you mom for making the decision to move out of New York because you didn’t want to raise your kids in the city. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh by the way, I got the job. The crazy thing is it’s the exact salary I had prayed for. One that allows me not to have to hustle doing four or five things at a time to pay my bills. So that should be cool. I just have to postpone my start date because I have a callback for a movie.
One more thing. You ever just go off on someone as the scapegoat for a whole group? What I mean is have you ever gone off on one man for something a lot of men have done to you? Let’s not make this all deep. Not someone you knew or were dating. A perfect stranger. I did that today. I get so sick of men pssssing me. You know the sound ladies. The hey come over here I’m trying to get your attention type pssss. The one that makes you want to clobber someone over the head. Yes that pssss. I had a long day and just wasn’t in the mood for another man to try to talk to me. So this man pssssd me and before I could help it I had turned around and made it rain on him. I went off. More in jest but I was serious. First I asked him if he thought I was a dog and reminded him that in fact I was very human. I then let him know that he would’ve fared much better if he had introduced himself or said hello. That any self-respecting women deserved to be treated like that and in case no other woman had told him I was. So you know what he did right? He tried harder to get my number. Dude I just told you off in front of all your boys and you still are making a pass? Go away.
You know what else I see on every corner? Rude people. It makes me so upset when people are inconsiderate of one another. I literally want to lose it. For instance, where I am temping there is a massive wait for the elevator if you arrive right at 9am. So I watch people who are late see the long line of people and jump in front of everyone when the elevator opens. Who does that? Just blatantly rude and it makes me want to check them on the spot.
Let’s continue with things common to New York street corners. Hmmm. Bad apple kids. Apple is the nice way to say it, but just kids that need whippings. Often. This little girl who couldn’t have been more than ten was a professional curser. She just about cursed out everyone in the pizza place. I mean cussed them all the way out. All I could do was look at her and tell her that she was too young to have such a foul mouth. All over the place kids were running outside like rodents unleashed on the city. It’s especially difficult because we live on a street where many African families live. It’s definitely more family oriented so all their little bad kids run around. Run in the building and push all the elevator buttons so that by the time you step on you have to go to every floor. Just what you wanted to do after a long day of work. Thank you little bad kid. You should get a treat. How about a Scooby snack? I guess in a way I can’t be mad at them. I think part of the issue is these kids don’t have anywhere to play. There are no playgrounds nearby and if there were many of their parents work. On top of that many of the apartments are too small and overcrowded. I mean I really try to be sensitive to that. Until some kids soccer ball comes flying at my head and I decide I will be getting my tubes tied the very next day.
Thank you mom for making the decision to move out of New York because you didn’t want to raise your kids in the city. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh by the way, I got the job. The crazy thing is it’s the exact salary I had prayed for. One that allows me not to have to hustle doing four or five things at a time to pay my bills. So that should be cool. I just have to postpone my start date because I have a callback for a movie.
One more thing. You ever just go off on someone as the scapegoat for a whole group? What I mean is have you ever gone off on one man for something a lot of men have done to you? Let’s not make this all deep. Not someone you knew or were dating. A perfect stranger. I did that today. I get so sick of men pssssing me. You know the sound ladies. The hey come over here I’m trying to get your attention type pssss. The one that makes you want to clobber someone over the head. Yes that pssss. I had a long day and just wasn’t in the mood for another man to try to talk to me. So this man pssssd me and before I could help it I had turned around and made it rain on him. I went off. More in jest but I was serious. First I asked him if he thought I was a dog and reminded him that in fact I was very human. I then let him know that he would’ve fared much better if he had introduced himself or said hello. That any self-respecting women deserved to be treated like that and in case no other woman had told him I was. So you know what he did right? He tried harder to get my number. Dude I just told you off in front of all your boys and you still are making a pass? Go away.
Monday, September 8: Hi My name is Desiree and i'm a control freak
I had a job interview today. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a job. I had put my resume into cyberspace but hadn’t heard anything. Then this lady contacted me and we played phone tag for two weeks. So yeah I went to this interview to work as an assistant at a publishing company. It paid really well so we will see how it goes. One of the interviewers had the same last name as me so maybe that’s a good thing. Interviews are tough because you can never tell by their faces if you’re doing a good job or not. They also told me that they had been interviewing tons of people over the past few months and had found no one. The good thing for me was that if I didn’t get the job at least I had a long term temp position so I wasn’t worried. I also had savings to last me some months so I’ll let God head this one up.
Later I got a call from that movie I auditioned for. I really want the part but at this point I am beginning to realize I have no control over the plans for my life. Let me rephrase that. I have control but I want to really allow God to run things. So we shall see.
Did you guys know I am a complete and utter control freak? I mean those close to me know that but sometimes I forget. Then that control thing rears its head in the most random places. Today it happened at salsa class.
Let me tell you something, if you want to learn about submission take a salsa class. I realize God will use anything to get his point across. Sometimes being knowledgeable in a certain area works against you. It is almost better to be ignorant. It makes you a better student because you have a blank slate. I had three things working against me as I walked into salsa class. One, I danced so it made me think I knew more than the teacher. Ha ha. Two, I had learned “fake” salsa which had developed some wrong habits in me that would be difficult to unlearn. Three, I am a control freak. So I’m in class and I can learn rather quickly and I do well when I can dance alone. As soon as I have to dance with a partner it’s a mess. See in salsa the man leads and the woman follows. You can’t have two leaders or it creates disorder and a mess. So when I can lead because I am dancing by myself I look great. But I would find that I couldn’t relax when I had to rely on my partner to lead me. I was tense and anticipating his every next move.
It wasn’t until I left that I realized that this mirrored my relationship with the Lord. He was supposed to lead and I was to submit but I wouldn’t let go of control. If I ever wanted to relax and ease into the dance of my life I was going to have to let God lead me. I don’t do that on purpose. It’s just difficult but I recognize this and am working on it. Pray for me ya’ll.
Later I got a call from that movie I auditioned for. I really want the part but at this point I am beginning to realize I have no control over the plans for my life. Let me rephrase that. I have control but I want to really allow God to run things. So we shall see.
Did you guys know I am a complete and utter control freak? I mean those close to me know that but sometimes I forget. Then that control thing rears its head in the most random places. Today it happened at salsa class.
Let me tell you something, if you want to learn about submission take a salsa class. I realize God will use anything to get his point across. Sometimes being knowledgeable in a certain area works against you. It is almost better to be ignorant. It makes you a better student because you have a blank slate. I had three things working against me as I walked into salsa class. One, I danced so it made me think I knew more than the teacher. Ha ha. Two, I had learned “fake” salsa which had developed some wrong habits in me that would be difficult to unlearn. Three, I am a control freak. So I’m in class and I can learn rather quickly and I do well when I can dance alone. As soon as I have to dance with a partner it’s a mess. See in salsa the man leads and the woman follows. You can’t have two leaders or it creates disorder and a mess. So when I can lead because I am dancing by myself I look great. But I would find that I couldn’t relax when I had to rely on my partner to lead me. I was tense and anticipating his every next move.
It wasn’t until I left that I realized that this mirrored my relationship with the Lord. He was supposed to lead and I was to submit but I wouldn’t let go of control. If I ever wanted to relax and ease into the dance of my life I was going to have to let God lead me. I don’t do that on purpose. It’s just difficult but I recognize this and am working on it. Pray for me ya’ll.
Monday, November 10, 2008
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Sunday Sept 7: Fake Celebrity
I shot a commercial today. Nothing that you’re gonna see on television or anything. Just a commercial for a website. I’m working with this designer who is launching her own clothing line and so I was in her commercial. It was really really fun. What was pure comedy are the people who happen to walk by as you’re shooting. They see cameras, makeup artists, etc. but can’t for the life of them figure out who the heck you are. They stop, look and point and then give up. I’m nobody people! I mean I am somebody just nobody famous.
Second to that was the fact that my shoes were entirely too big! Without a doubt I have been a size 10 for years. Sometimes, depending on the shoe, I can get in a 9 ½. But for some reason I have noticed that some of my shoes are now flopping in the back. There are several reasons this could be like the fact that leather stretches but I am convinced my foot has shrunk. I have read that when people lose weight it is possible for their feet to shrink. Over the past year I have lost close to 20 pounds and went from a size 9/10 to a 5/6. So yeah I think my foot shrunk. They should make shoes in quarter sizes like 9 ¾. That would fit perfectly.
So I was wearing my heels and they just start flopping off my foot and I am trying to keep a straight face. Finally we have to stuff tons of tissue into the back of my shoe so they will stop coming off. What is worse is that instinctively you begin to clench your toes so your shoe will stay on which is highly uncomfortable.
What else? I tried a Jamaican Beef Patty for the first time. It was pretty tasty. I really enjoyed it.
Commercial shoot
People from the commercial shoot
Me at the commercial shoot. Yes I realize I have on blue lipstick but that was all the makeup artist. Thursday Sept 4: Attack of the Tuna Lady
I’m beginning to think I am a magnet for all things funny or random. It seems on a daily basis I find a reason to laugh at something that shouldn’t be at all funny. Sometimes I feel like God has certain people walk by me just so I can laugh though that doesn’t sound too much like something he would do.
On this particular day I was sitting down waiting for the subway. On my right a young woman who looked to be the same age as me. On my left a lady who seemed to be a little off. She was kind of talking to herself and acting a little strange. I ignored this. It seems to be typical behavior here. I was cool until she pulled out the biggest plate of tuna I have ever seen and began to smack on it. Eww and she wasn’t chewing with her mouth closed. Now I love tuna but it never smells like that when I eat it. It was so gross and I wanted to ask her why. Why would you open that up and eat it when we are underground with poor ventilation. Why tuna lady why?
I didn’t want to seem rude so I didn’t get up and move. I just held my breath. In my heart I didn’t want her to feel like I was moving because of her. It wasn’t her. It was her darn tuna. Part of me thought I was crazy until I saw sane girl on my right make a face and get up. Then she looked back at me like I was crazy for tolerating the smell. I was trying to be nice but if she had the guts to move then so did I. I slowly got up and went to stand by sane girl. We busted up laughing about how we tried to hold out as long as we could.
The subway finally comes and I am hoping this lady doesn’t come sit by me. I mean the train was completely empty. Well I must have had an I love tuna pin on because she came and sat right next to me. I was so irritated.
Then at the next stop a man with his shirt open revealing his taco meat chest fro came and sat on the other side of me. He was sweating and stuff and I promise his chest fro smelled bad. So here I am sitting between tuna and sweat thinking why me. What else could make this situation even more ridiculous? Why did I ask?
This man down on his luck comes into the subway and makes this announcement, “excuse me ladies and gentlemen. I am having a rough time right now and just need to get some money so that I can eat. I have decided to use my voice as a way to get me money.” I know it makes you feel a little bad right? Well not so much if you hear it day in and day out and everyone literally recites the same speech. I literally think they have some sort of class where they get together and tell you how to sucker people out of money. Anyway he starts singing Lean on Me. I didn’t want to laugh. I really didn’t but the man couldn’t sing. At all. On top of that he didn’t give us just a little sample of his wonderful voice. Oh no. He sang the whole song. Oh yeah. Every word. I just wanted to start yelling “Free Mr. Clark!” and “Mr. Clark doesn’t care about you because you don’t take care of your responsibilities!!!” and “Why would I want to get rid of her? I love her.” I wanted Mr. Clark to come in and double dutch. I wanted the guys in the bathroom to show up and start singing “Fair Eastside.” It was ridiculous but I held my composure.
Too bad tuna lady didn’t. She busted up laughing. I look at her like she has lost her mind. You have the nerve to laugh at him when you are eating tuna and talking to people who aren’t there? Talk about irony.
On this particular day I was sitting down waiting for the subway. On my right a young woman who looked to be the same age as me. On my left a lady who seemed to be a little off. She was kind of talking to herself and acting a little strange. I ignored this. It seems to be typical behavior here. I was cool until she pulled out the biggest plate of tuna I have ever seen and began to smack on it. Eww and she wasn’t chewing with her mouth closed. Now I love tuna but it never smells like that when I eat it. It was so gross and I wanted to ask her why. Why would you open that up and eat it when we are underground with poor ventilation. Why tuna lady why?
I didn’t want to seem rude so I didn’t get up and move. I just held my breath. In my heart I didn’t want her to feel like I was moving because of her. It wasn’t her. It was her darn tuna. Part of me thought I was crazy until I saw sane girl on my right make a face and get up. Then she looked back at me like I was crazy for tolerating the smell. I was trying to be nice but if she had the guts to move then so did I. I slowly got up and went to stand by sane girl. We busted up laughing about how we tried to hold out as long as we could.
The subway finally comes and I am hoping this lady doesn’t come sit by me. I mean the train was completely empty. Well I must have had an I love tuna pin on because she came and sat right next to me. I was so irritated.
Then at the next stop a man with his shirt open revealing his taco meat chest fro came and sat on the other side of me. He was sweating and stuff and I promise his chest fro smelled bad. So here I am sitting between tuna and sweat thinking why me. What else could make this situation even more ridiculous? Why did I ask?
This man down on his luck comes into the subway and makes this announcement, “excuse me ladies and gentlemen. I am having a rough time right now and just need to get some money so that I can eat. I have decided to use my voice as a way to get me money.” I know it makes you feel a little bad right? Well not so much if you hear it day in and day out and everyone literally recites the same speech. I literally think they have some sort of class where they get together and tell you how to sucker people out of money. Anyway he starts singing Lean on Me. I didn’t want to laugh. I really didn’t but the man couldn’t sing. At all. On top of that he didn’t give us just a little sample of his wonderful voice. Oh no. He sang the whole song. Oh yeah. Every word. I just wanted to start yelling “Free Mr. Clark!” and “Mr. Clark doesn’t care about you because you don’t take care of your responsibilities!!!” and “Why would I want to get rid of her? I love her.” I wanted Mr. Clark to come in and double dutch. I wanted the guys in the bathroom to show up and start singing “Fair Eastside.” It was ridiculous but I held my composure.
Too bad tuna lady didn’t. She busted up laughing. I look at her like she has lost her mind. You have the nerve to laugh at him when you are eating tuna and talking to people who aren’t there? Talk about irony.
Wednesday Sept 3: Random Thoughts
Today is just a mix of random stuff I saw on the streets. What is that game called where men hit a tiny ball against the wall and wear those funny headbands? Is it racquetball? No that would involve a racquet. Duh. I don’t know. It looks like a manly version of handball. Anyway I saw a whole bunch of men playing that today. It was just odd. Shouldn’t you be playing basketball or was that ball too big to handle.
Trivia question of the day. Why when you smell something foul do you take a bigger whiff to ensure that it in fact smells? Why would you put your nose through that torture twice? I find myself doing that subconsciously. On the subway I think I am sitting next to the man who forgot that women actually find it appealing when you don’t smell like old fish yet I take in another whiff just to be sure. So silly.
Trivia question of the day. Why when you smell something foul do you take a bigger whiff to ensure that it in fact smells? Why would you put your nose through that torture twice? I find myself doing that subconsciously. On the subway I think I am sitting next to the man who forgot that women actually find it appealing when you don’t smell like old fish yet I take in another whiff just to be sure. So silly.
Monday Sept. 1, 2008 False Prophets
I know I know. Didn’t I just say that I wasn’t going to hang out with anymore men? This probably makes me look fast as I don’t know what. I think maybe I just like torturing myself. It’s almost becoming a sick joke I play on myself. I just experienced like the worst non-date ever last night. So why oh why would I hang out with someone else? Because then my life would be boring and I would have nothing to write about. What I have learned this year is that men are men. Saved or not at the core they are men. Silly men.
A few weeks ago I had met a guy that I talked to at a Starbucks and I was so impressed because he just talked about the Lord. I think I may have written about him. I was in no way attracted to him but it was cool to be able to talk to someone about the Lord. He had even referred us to a church that Jaime and I had checked out a few times. I saw him at church. So we had agreed to meet and hang out.
So I am trying to be open-minded about people but I’m thinking about just hibernating. All this guy did was talk about him. He would ask me a question. When I would answer he would have to top me. It was like a competition. It was so stupid. Like go find your self esteem then come back to me.
So we had decided to go to Dave and Busters and play games but we sat down to get appetizers first. There is a key fact I want you to remember. When we sat down he told me to order whatever I wanted. Just remember that. So we sit and talk. He keeps picking my brain about politics, finances, religion, etc. I think he was trying to stump me or prove he was smarter than me. Too bad for him he didn’t know that I read books and the newspaper. He seemed shocked that I was able to answer the questions he asked.
Somehow we got on the subject on religion. He was just talking about how it related to him in relationships and then he said something that made me cock my head to the side. I can’t recall what it was exactly but I remember saying, “So you think sex before marriage is ok?” He replied yes. He asked me if I did and I said no. I’m not perfect. No one is. We all make mistakes and we all sin but at the end of the day I know my sin is sin. I know sex before marriage isn’t ok with God. What bothered me was that he wasn’t saying that he knew according to the Bible sex before marriage was wrong but he chose to participate. He was saying that he believed that God was ok with it. He said he had studied his Bible and couldn’t find anywhere where it said it wasn’t ok. I just looked at him. He said he prayed about it. I said and what God said go ahead. He said yes. He misquoted where I think it was Paul saying that it is better not to marry. So I just started pounding him with scriptures over and over. He wasn’t convinced. He said that if I could find some scripture he would hear me out and change his mind even though I had quoted a billion scriptures and gave him tons of examples. This night is over. Goodbye. No need to play games or finish this conversation. He then said that I was welcome to come over to his house and have bible study. Oh heck no. Get behind me Satan. You are a false prophet and need to be locked up because you’re nasty. You’re a nasty man. This night is over. Then he wanted me to come over and cook for him if he provided all of the materials. What is it with men wanting you to cook for them? You ain’t my man. You’re not a family member or a friend.
Then the bill came and he said, “So we’re gonna split this?” What was the key thing I told you guys to remember? That he said to order what I wanted. If I was going to have to pay for my food why tell me order what I want? I know that with my money I can order whatever I want. You don’t have to remind me of that. Are you serious? That night was really over. The only reason I didn’t tell him off was because I didn’t know if the Lord wanted to use me to knock some sense in him. Needless to say I called him a few days later to let him know I found some more scriptures. Of course he never returned my call and we haven’t spoken since. Praise God!!!
If this is the pick of men in New York I won’t be dating at all. This is for the birds.
A few weeks ago I had met a guy that I talked to at a Starbucks and I was so impressed because he just talked about the Lord. I think I may have written about him. I was in no way attracted to him but it was cool to be able to talk to someone about the Lord. He had even referred us to a church that Jaime and I had checked out a few times. I saw him at church. So we had agreed to meet and hang out.
So I am trying to be open-minded about people but I’m thinking about just hibernating. All this guy did was talk about him. He would ask me a question. When I would answer he would have to top me. It was like a competition. It was so stupid. Like go find your self esteem then come back to me.
So we had decided to go to Dave and Busters and play games but we sat down to get appetizers first. There is a key fact I want you to remember. When we sat down he told me to order whatever I wanted. Just remember that. So we sit and talk. He keeps picking my brain about politics, finances, religion, etc. I think he was trying to stump me or prove he was smarter than me. Too bad for him he didn’t know that I read books and the newspaper. He seemed shocked that I was able to answer the questions he asked.
Somehow we got on the subject on religion. He was just talking about how it related to him in relationships and then he said something that made me cock my head to the side. I can’t recall what it was exactly but I remember saying, “So you think sex before marriage is ok?” He replied yes. He asked me if I did and I said no. I’m not perfect. No one is. We all make mistakes and we all sin but at the end of the day I know my sin is sin. I know sex before marriage isn’t ok with God. What bothered me was that he wasn’t saying that he knew according to the Bible sex before marriage was wrong but he chose to participate. He was saying that he believed that God was ok with it. He said he had studied his Bible and couldn’t find anywhere where it said it wasn’t ok. I just looked at him. He said he prayed about it. I said and what God said go ahead. He said yes. He misquoted where I think it was Paul saying that it is better not to marry. So I just started pounding him with scriptures over and over. He wasn’t convinced. He said that if I could find some scripture he would hear me out and change his mind even though I had quoted a billion scriptures and gave him tons of examples. This night is over. Goodbye. No need to play games or finish this conversation. He then said that I was welcome to come over to his house and have bible study. Oh heck no. Get behind me Satan. You are a false prophet and need to be locked up because you’re nasty. You’re a nasty man. This night is over. Then he wanted me to come over and cook for him if he provided all of the materials. What is it with men wanting you to cook for them? You ain’t my man. You’re not a family member or a friend.
Then the bill came and he said, “So we’re gonna split this?” What was the key thing I told you guys to remember? That he said to order what I wanted. If I was going to have to pay for my food why tell me order what I want? I know that with my money I can order whatever I want. You don’t have to remind me of that. Are you serious? That night was really over. The only reason I didn’t tell him off was because I didn’t know if the Lord wanted to use me to knock some sense in him. Needless to say I called him a few days later to let him know I found some more scriptures. Of course he never returned my call and we haven’t spoken since. Praise God!!!
If this is the pick of men in New York I won’t be dating at all. This is for the birds.
Sunday Aug 31, 2008: Nasty Foot Looker
Some things shouldn’t be funny. They shouldn’t entertain you. But sometimes the irony is so ridiculous that it makes you laugh. I watched grown men fight in the street with sticks today. I didn’t want to stop and look but the scene was obviously misplaced. I mean the sticks were long. It really should have been in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Are you wondering what would make grown men begin to fight one another with sticks? Do I have your attention? I mean it would really have to be something really really important to make them act like three years olds right? Wouldn’t you love for me to just get to the point? Ok. Ok. They were fighting over five cents. I believe that’s the going rate for recycling a can. Yeah so these two dudes were at a recycling place where you put the cans in and get money. One guy stole a can from the other and a stick fight ensued. What made it better was that a few Asian women who spoke no English jumped in and tried to fight the can stealer as well. I know you probably think I make this stuff up but I’m really not that clever. I’m just not.
Yeah so later that day I was walking out of the subway and this guy just kept staring at me. So I’m looking at him like yes can I help you? He finally said Amber? I said no my name’s not Amber. He says oh I thought you were my friend Amber. Survey says…wrong. Negro you know I don’t look like Amber whoever she is. Riddle me this. If she is your “friend” how come you don’t know what the heck she looks like? I know what my friends look like. I would never go up to a stranger and say Tonee? No because I know what the heck he looks like. Just dumb.
So let me explain why I was coming out of the subway other than the fact that I don’t have a car. I somehow had ended up on a date that I didn’t know was a date. He tricked me ya’ll. He was a non co-worker at the place I temped and he tricked me with pizza. I love pizza. One day I was really hungry so he asked me if I wanted to go with him to pick some up during lunch. I was hungry so I said sure. Dumb choice. I thought he was cool and I was very clear about the fact that I was not interested. So when he asked to hang out I said sure. I mean I am trying to get to know people in New York and he seemed perfectly normal.
So I was coming out of the subway to meet him to hang out. So we went to eat and I was ready to leave before I got there. There were these long awkward silent moments. He kept doing weird things like moving his lips but not saying anything. He laughed at everything I said. Ok that’s cool but if I was going to be the only entertaining person I could’ve stayed home and had a conversation with myself. What did I need you for? You’re dismissed. You have been voted off the island. I know it may seem like I am being hard on men but can you blame me? I keep meeting knuckleheads. It has to be me right? You attract who you are right? So does this mean I’m a knucklehead?
It gets worse. I know part of the problem is my mouth. It can be a weapon and often it works against me. It seems like the more of a jerk I am the more intriguing it is. He wants to walk me home and I tell him no. He wants to know why. I explain that he could be a killer or rapist and didn’t need to know where I lived. That that’s a privilege and we weren’t cool with that. What if he for instance let me walk him home and then I was crazy. Now I know where he lives and could turn into a potential stalker. That’s all bad. He said I wasn’t crazy. That’s true but the point was that I could be. He didn’t know, Needless to say he got the point. So I decided to walk around a while to confuse him so he couldn’t even guess where I lived.
Then he did the unthinkable. He kept staring at my feet. Ladies you know that can be awkward right? For someone to just keep looking at your feet. So I asked him what he was looking at. He replied I had nice feet. I asked him to stop being a nasty feet looker. He just laughed but I was serious. Then he said that he was just a foot looker intrigued by me. Ewww. Gag me with a spoon. That was so corny. Intrigued? You don’t even know me. I don’t think I’m intriguing especially to a stranger. It was just a bit much. I knew the conversation was going to have to happen soon. You know the same conversation I had with the Mayor. Even though I had already said ten different ways I didn’t want to date anyone, that I wasn’t interested maybe the eleventh way would be the key. Or maybe I should just not talk to anymore more men. That sounds a little better.
Yeah so later that day I was walking out of the subway and this guy just kept staring at me. So I’m looking at him like yes can I help you? He finally said Amber? I said no my name’s not Amber. He says oh I thought you were my friend Amber. Survey says…wrong. Negro you know I don’t look like Amber whoever she is. Riddle me this. If she is your “friend” how come you don’t know what the heck she looks like? I know what my friends look like. I would never go up to a stranger and say Tonee? No because I know what the heck he looks like. Just dumb.
So let me explain why I was coming out of the subway other than the fact that I don’t have a car. I somehow had ended up on a date that I didn’t know was a date. He tricked me ya’ll. He was a non co-worker at the place I temped and he tricked me with pizza. I love pizza. One day I was really hungry so he asked me if I wanted to go with him to pick some up during lunch. I was hungry so I said sure. Dumb choice. I thought he was cool and I was very clear about the fact that I was not interested. So when he asked to hang out I said sure. I mean I am trying to get to know people in New York and he seemed perfectly normal.
So I was coming out of the subway to meet him to hang out. So we went to eat and I was ready to leave before I got there. There were these long awkward silent moments. He kept doing weird things like moving his lips but not saying anything. He laughed at everything I said. Ok that’s cool but if I was going to be the only entertaining person I could’ve stayed home and had a conversation with myself. What did I need you for? You’re dismissed. You have been voted off the island. I know it may seem like I am being hard on men but can you blame me? I keep meeting knuckleheads. It has to be me right? You attract who you are right? So does this mean I’m a knucklehead?
It gets worse. I know part of the problem is my mouth. It can be a weapon and often it works against me. It seems like the more of a jerk I am the more intriguing it is. He wants to walk me home and I tell him no. He wants to know why. I explain that he could be a killer or rapist and didn’t need to know where I lived. That that’s a privilege and we weren’t cool with that. What if he for instance let me walk him home and then I was crazy. Now I know where he lives and could turn into a potential stalker. That’s all bad. He said I wasn’t crazy. That’s true but the point was that I could be. He didn’t know, Needless to say he got the point. So I decided to walk around a while to confuse him so he couldn’t even guess where I lived.
Then he did the unthinkable. He kept staring at my feet. Ladies you know that can be awkward right? For someone to just keep looking at your feet. So I asked him what he was looking at. He replied I had nice feet. I asked him to stop being a nasty feet looker. He just laughed but I was serious. Then he said that he was just a foot looker intrigued by me. Ewww. Gag me with a spoon. That was so corny. Intrigued? You don’t even know me. I don’t think I’m intriguing especially to a stranger. It was just a bit much. I knew the conversation was going to have to happen soon. You know the same conversation I had with the Mayor. Even though I had already said ten different ways I didn’t want to date anyone, that I wasn’t interested maybe the eleventh way would be the key. Or maybe I should just not talk to anymore more men. That sounds a little better.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Corn off the Cob
I helped an old lady across the street today. It’s one of those things you see on television but you never really have the opportunity to do. It made me feel all warm inside to be able to help someone regardless of how little the act may be. She asked, I obliged and we went about our day.
I got this idea. Don’t know if and/or when it can happen but it’s just a thought. A few weeks ago I blogged about an Egyptian girl and made a comment that made it seem that I wasn’t aware of the fact that the original Egyptians were black. I knew this. I also know that the term kemet from which Egyptian derives from means Black. Anyway I got this idea. Often walking or sitting on the subway I overhear conversations many of them based around religion and ideology. I’ve heard everything from Jesus is Black to blacks enslavement fulfills biblical prophecy to orthodox Jews not being the chosen people. When I hear this stuff I go back home and research it to find the answers. I figure they aren’t the only ones to ever wonder those things and if anyone ever asks me I want to be able to answer.
Then I realized how many questions people have about Christianity that if we as Christians were asked wouldn’t have the answers to. Things like why is homosexuality wrong, where in the Bible does it say you can’t cohabitate, how can God let bad things happen to people. Those are questions I have even posed at one time or another. But if someone came up and asked me could I open a Bible and give them a sound answer or would I stand there mouth agape unsure of how to answer? We have to be prepared to answer when people ask. Then I thought what if there was some type of discussion group where people could find the answers to this stuff in a safe environment. Not just Christians but anyone walking off the street. What if there was a discussion group dedicated to researching and finding answers to the hard stuff and anyone could be a part. How much more enlightened would people be? So I thought why not me? Why don’t I start this group and see what God can do?
Why do men decide to test my limits and patience here? It’s like they have a heightened level of boldness that makes them think they are Superheroes and can do anything they want. You ever see the movie What Women Want where Mel Gibson can hear what every woman is thinking. As I walk down the street that’s how I feel except it’s not in my mind. They say it out loud. They make comments, smack their lips and do whatever they feel like doing. So today Captain Wheelchair thought it would be clever to try to get my attention by pretty much rolling over my foot and calling me baby. Are you serious? I mean I don’t discriminate but he was like 50 and gross. I tried to kindly wave off his banter but he put on his cape and decided to roll after me. Dude leave me alone. He persisted so I figured out the perfect plan to elude him. I walked really really fast. If he continues I will have no problem breaking out in a brisk jog, but he got the point. Stay tuned for next weeks episode where someone else will do something crazy just as I walk by. I feel like I’m on Punk’d everyday of my life.
I went to a boxing match and it was so much fun. Most people don’t know how much I like boxing. It’s my favorite sport to watch. I think because when I went through the phase of only having guy friends they had fight parties or gathered to watch the fights. So I went with these girls J Lyn and Brandy that I dance with. They know the people who put the event on. It’s great to watch boxing on TV, but its better watching it up close in VIP. So cool. The crazy thing is that I can’t stand fighting or hearing the crunch of teeth breaking when a fist connects to a face. I couldn’t watch Fight Club all the way through. When people begin fighting on a movie I turn my head and cringe. I hate it. Yet I can watch boxing. It’s the strangest thing. It reminds me of my sister. She loves corn on the cob but refuses to eat it off the cob. Corn is corn but she can’t stand it and refuses to eat it. That’s a direct correlation to how I feel about fighting and boxing. Nine bouts of boxing on a summer evening on the Beach of Coney Island is nice. Fight club is not.
I can’t seem to blend in here. I always do something that places a blaring sign over my head that says: “She’s not from here!!!” The boxing match was no different. As soon as I step on to the sand guess what I do? I do what any normal person would. I took my shoes off. I mean who walks on the beach in shoes? All of a sudden J Lyn begins yelling at me for taking my shoes off. I don’t remember all she said. Something about hypodermic needles. Crack heads. Unsanitary. Who cares I should be able to take my shoes off in sand. So ridiculous.
I got this idea. Don’t know if and/or when it can happen but it’s just a thought. A few weeks ago I blogged about an Egyptian girl and made a comment that made it seem that I wasn’t aware of the fact that the original Egyptians were black. I knew this. I also know that the term kemet from which Egyptian derives from means Black. Anyway I got this idea. Often walking or sitting on the subway I overhear conversations many of them based around religion and ideology. I’ve heard everything from Jesus is Black to blacks enslavement fulfills biblical prophecy to orthodox Jews not being the chosen people. When I hear this stuff I go back home and research it to find the answers. I figure they aren’t the only ones to ever wonder those things and if anyone ever asks me I want to be able to answer.
Then I realized how many questions people have about Christianity that if we as Christians were asked wouldn’t have the answers to. Things like why is homosexuality wrong, where in the Bible does it say you can’t cohabitate, how can God let bad things happen to people. Those are questions I have even posed at one time or another. But if someone came up and asked me could I open a Bible and give them a sound answer or would I stand there mouth agape unsure of how to answer? We have to be prepared to answer when people ask. Then I thought what if there was some type of discussion group where people could find the answers to this stuff in a safe environment. Not just Christians but anyone walking off the street. What if there was a discussion group dedicated to researching and finding answers to the hard stuff and anyone could be a part. How much more enlightened would people be? So I thought why not me? Why don’t I start this group and see what God can do?
Why do men decide to test my limits and patience here? It’s like they have a heightened level of boldness that makes them think they are Superheroes and can do anything they want. You ever see the movie What Women Want where Mel Gibson can hear what every woman is thinking. As I walk down the street that’s how I feel except it’s not in my mind. They say it out loud. They make comments, smack their lips and do whatever they feel like doing. So today Captain Wheelchair thought it would be clever to try to get my attention by pretty much rolling over my foot and calling me baby. Are you serious? I mean I don’t discriminate but he was like 50 and gross. I tried to kindly wave off his banter but he put on his cape and decided to roll after me. Dude leave me alone. He persisted so I figured out the perfect plan to elude him. I walked really really fast. If he continues I will have no problem breaking out in a brisk jog, but he got the point. Stay tuned for next weeks episode where someone else will do something crazy just as I walk by. I feel like I’m on Punk’d everyday of my life.
I went to a boxing match and it was so much fun. Most people don’t know how much I like boxing. It’s my favorite sport to watch. I think because when I went through the phase of only having guy friends they had fight parties or gathered to watch the fights. So I went with these girls J Lyn and Brandy that I dance with. They know the people who put the event on. It’s great to watch boxing on TV, but its better watching it up close in VIP. So cool. The crazy thing is that I can’t stand fighting or hearing the crunch of teeth breaking when a fist connects to a face. I couldn’t watch Fight Club all the way through. When people begin fighting on a movie I turn my head and cringe. I hate it. Yet I can watch boxing. It’s the strangest thing. It reminds me of my sister. She loves corn on the cob but refuses to eat it off the cob. Corn is corn but she can’t stand it and refuses to eat it. That’s a direct correlation to how I feel about fighting and boxing. Nine bouts of boxing on a summer evening on the Beach of Coney Island is nice. Fight club is not.
I can’t seem to blend in here. I always do something that places a blaring sign over my head that says: “She’s not from here!!!” The boxing match was no different. As soon as I step on to the sand guess what I do? I do what any normal person would. I took my shoes off. I mean who walks on the beach in shoes? All of a sudden J Lyn begins yelling at me for taking my shoes off. I don’t remember all she said. Something about hypodermic needles. Crack heads. Unsanitary. Who cares I should be able to take my shoes off in sand. So ridiculous.
Friday Aug 29 You like me you really like me
Sometimes the smallest things make me smile. Today some of my non co-workers (since I only temp there) invited me to hang out with them. I couldn’t go but it was nice to be invited. Especially when many people hate their co-workers. They talk mess about them and find every little fault. That’s why I have tried my best to stay positive and above the drama. I’m sure someone somewhere has something to say but I don’t really care.
On top of that it seems that every Christian in that place has located me and wanted to have a conversation about the Lord. It’s great. You never realize how many people are Christians until you hold a conversation. It wasn’t like I had a sign that said, “I’m a Christian!” but somehow they knew. That was a compliment.
I just find that I have had so much favor here. Whether it’s been people bringing me lunch or allowing me to have a flexible schedule people just give me a lot of leeway. I thank God for that. I need that right now.
Now let me switch up the tone and tell you what I can’t stand. Parents bringing their kids to work. For what? It’s not the official bring your child to work day. I promise at least five kids were in the office today just running around yelling screaming. Take them to day care or something. Gosh!
Question. I have come to the realization that at this season in my life I will be doing a lot of things alone. That’s fine. I just can’t get over what exactly I need to do. For instance, I went to eat at a restaurant. I never really do that stuff by myself. So what do you do? Just sit there alone? Is it cheating if I read a book or text the whole time? I don’t get it.
On top of that it seems that every Christian in that place has located me and wanted to have a conversation about the Lord. It’s great. You never realize how many people are Christians until you hold a conversation. It wasn’t like I had a sign that said, “I’m a Christian!” but somehow they knew. That was a compliment.
I just find that I have had so much favor here. Whether it’s been people bringing me lunch or allowing me to have a flexible schedule people just give me a lot of leeway. I thank God for that. I need that right now.
Now let me switch up the tone and tell you what I can’t stand. Parents bringing their kids to work. For what? It’s not the official bring your child to work day. I promise at least five kids were in the office today just running around yelling screaming. Take them to day care or something. Gosh!
Question. I have come to the realization that at this season in my life I will be doing a lot of things alone. That’s fine. I just can’t get over what exactly I need to do. For instance, I went to eat at a restaurant. I never really do that stuff by myself. So what do you do? Just sit there alone? Is it cheating if I read a book or text the whole time? I don’t get it.
Wednesday, Aug. 27, 2008
Every now and then I go on a tirade about something that irks me. Today that thing is smoking in public. In my opinion, smoking is a selfish habit. It forces another human being to inhale cancerous fumes without their permission. If I’m walking behind you and you light up a stogie what can I do? All I can do is try to walk around you only to end up behind someone else who is smoking. It is irritating! Or people smoking right by the entrance of a public building. You may as well smoke inside because if you haven’t caught on every time the door opens the fumes seep in. My consciousness of this has risen due to my increased time spent outside of the car walking. It seems like everyone here smokes. I would be curious to see if the percentage of people who are diagnosed with lung cancer is higher. I saw a pregnant woman with a young infant in a stroller smoking. I mean really?
Moving on to some heavier stuff. Today was a heavy day. Everyday isn’t light and funny. Some days I wake up with such clarity about my path or revelation about what I need to change.
I have a dual personality challenge. From a young age I have been performance oriented. In layman’s terms I need clear cut goals and need to constantly see growth and advancement. It’s that person who writes to do lists, completes a task not originally on the list and puts it on the list just to cross it off. In turn, I also need people to affirm and acknowledge that growth. In and of itself none of this is problematic except slowly over the years it has turned me into a people pleaser. Doing what I know will get me acknowledgment. At times it creates a struggle and anxiety because what will please someone else doesn’t always please me. Like big thighs in shorts rubbing together on a hot summer day two days after you shaved. Talk about uncomfortable…and itchy.
That discomfort plagued me this morning. I had a decision to make. I had booked a dance gig that was rehearsing the same time as a meeting I had. The meeting wasn’t mandatory per se. I wanted to go to both and it was giving me an ulcer. To any normal human being the decision would be simple. Go to the one that’s more important which was dance. But we’ve established I’m not normal. If I didn’t attend the meeting I was concerned with how I would be viewed. Especially with being new there was a fear that I would be dismissed and not viewed as an asset. Though I knew I was. It bothered me throughout the day and the revelation came to me. One of the reasons I even moved here was to get from under the microscope of people, start over and do what was best for my life. Yet here I was again. I felt like a little ant squirming under the microscope of a ten year old kid yelling, “Set me on fire! Burn me up! Come on you can do it and put some stank on it!”
Why do we do this to ourselves as if anyone else can live our life for us? If I am happy and God is pleased why does what I assume someone else is thinking about me matter? And if my work speaks for itself then why? In that moment I made a few decisions.
The first was not to let anyone else define me or my life. Second, was to not let work come before dance. I did that in California and before long my gift had grown stagnant. If I didn’t know anything else I knew dance was supposed to be more of a priority then it had been. After that my choice was easy. I went to rehearsal. Oh I got one more light bulb. I often don’t trust myself and whether I’m an asset. I find myself on the other side fumbling and trying to tell people I’m great. Subconsciously I am begging them to accept me instead of just exuding greatness. I feel tense in my own body unable to relax into me. As these challenges and opportunities present themselves to become more like Dez I will take them. As time goes on I think I will love and appreciate who I become.
Exiting the subway I was in a new section of New York I had never been. I’m guessing it was somewhere near Chinatown. Replacing the Kennedy’s Fried Chicken were signs I was unable to translate and the faces didn’t look like mine. As I made my way to the bus stop…yes It’s not taboo to ride the bus here…I walked past a group of people. One of them said break-dancer in reference to me. It made me smile. I guess I did look like a break-dancer though the only thing I could break was my neck. While for most this could’ve been taken offensively, to me it was the highest compliment.
Ok I don’t think she meant to but my mother created a new game. It’s called Beat the Bus. My mom gets restless and she hates waiting at bus stops. So if we make it to the bus stop and sit for more than a minute, she impatiently steps out into the street peering out in the direction the bus should be coming. Then she’ll say, “You want to walk up to the next stop?” So we walk up to the next stop and repeat the same game until the bus comes fast enough. You have to be very strategic otherwise you will watch as bus passes you. You also cannot be in a rush. But you’ll never know what you’ll find or see when you take time.
After missing a few buses I decided to wait. As I wait I read this article. Let me preface this by saying it’s extremely gross, offensive and why I say people make anything art. But I share this because this is the world I live in. A world we all live in and why a relationship with the Lord is key. Anyway this “artist” was praised because years ago he put a crucifix in urine and called it art. So for his latest art exhibit he photographed dookie, poop, feces, whatever you call it and put the pictures on display in a museum. He used many different mammals and humans. He says he was inspired because one day he thought he saw Jesus in his own feces and felt it was a sign. Yes I am being serious as was he and people are actually going to see this. So, for my next exhibit (because I think I’m going to be an artist) I plan to photograph…dandruff. All types. From different scalps. I plan to discover new types also. What do you think?? Gross I know.
Rehearsal was a trip. Too long of a story to explain here and especially if you don’t understand the history of certain forms of dance. I got picked to dance in this show at a festival but really didn’t have all the background details of what I was getting myself into. So I went and found out that I was going to be voguing and doing a tribute to Willy Ninja. Just a small history lesson. Voguing originated at these Underground Balls. It is a dance that is popular among gay men. It’s very popular. I mean Madonna made a whole song dedicated to it and if you have ever watched America’s Next Top Model and seen Benny Ninja you can see it. So dancers from these houses compete at these balls. Willy Ninja is from the house of Ninja and he passed away years ago. We were going to be doing a tribute to him.
Here was my dilemma. Because I know the history, if I danced in this show was I condoning homosexuality? Was I saying that I thought it was ok? Was I judging? Was this a place where the Lord had placed me to plant a seed? I wasn’t sure and I struggled because I want to always do the will of God. These are decisions that must be made when your gifting puts you in the entertainment industry. Sometimes you have to turn things down and other times you are supposed to shed light. Which one was it? I prayed, contemplated for days and talked to some wise counsel and stayed. In the end I didn’t even end up doing much voguing in the pieces we practiced. On top of that the day of the show it stormed bad and was canceled. But I met great people and was stretched in many ways.
I say this to say don’t judge people and the calling the Lord puts on their life. Jesus hung out with Pharisees, taxpayers, the sick, etc and He didn’t have to. You may look at people in certain industries and say how can they do this or that? They’re supposed to be a Christian. But what does that look like? Like Christ who dealt and loved all types of people. Because I stuck around I have developed some relationships with people who in the right time I will be able to minister to. I have gotten other gigs from some of the dancers I met.
On a lighter note I tried a falafel today for the first time. It tasted really good. I would’ve never had one but one of the dancers was a vegetarian and we decided to get something to eat after rehearsal. She is really nice and I think we could be friends. Yes! Finally! My first friend in New York. Ha ha.
Moving on to some heavier stuff. Today was a heavy day. Everyday isn’t light and funny. Some days I wake up with such clarity about my path or revelation about what I need to change.
I have a dual personality challenge. From a young age I have been performance oriented. In layman’s terms I need clear cut goals and need to constantly see growth and advancement. It’s that person who writes to do lists, completes a task not originally on the list and puts it on the list just to cross it off. In turn, I also need people to affirm and acknowledge that growth. In and of itself none of this is problematic except slowly over the years it has turned me into a people pleaser. Doing what I know will get me acknowledgment. At times it creates a struggle and anxiety because what will please someone else doesn’t always please me. Like big thighs in shorts rubbing together on a hot summer day two days after you shaved. Talk about uncomfortable…and itchy.
That discomfort plagued me this morning. I had a decision to make. I had booked a dance gig that was rehearsing the same time as a meeting I had. The meeting wasn’t mandatory per se. I wanted to go to both and it was giving me an ulcer. To any normal human being the decision would be simple. Go to the one that’s more important which was dance. But we’ve established I’m not normal. If I didn’t attend the meeting I was concerned with how I would be viewed. Especially with being new there was a fear that I would be dismissed and not viewed as an asset. Though I knew I was. It bothered me throughout the day and the revelation came to me. One of the reasons I even moved here was to get from under the microscope of people, start over and do what was best for my life. Yet here I was again. I felt like a little ant squirming under the microscope of a ten year old kid yelling, “Set me on fire! Burn me up! Come on you can do it and put some stank on it!”
Why do we do this to ourselves as if anyone else can live our life for us? If I am happy and God is pleased why does what I assume someone else is thinking about me matter? And if my work speaks for itself then why? In that moment I made a few decisions.
The first was not to let anyone else define me or my life. Second, was to not let work come before dance. I did that in California and before long my gift had grown stagnant. If I didn’t know anything else I knew dance was supposed to be more of a priority then it had been. After that my choice was easy. I went to rehearsal. Oh I got one more light bulb. I often don’t trust myself and whether I’m an asset. I find myself on the other side fumbling and trying to tell people I’m great. Subconsciously I am begging them to accept me instead of just exuding greatness. I feel tense in my own body unable to relax into me. As these challenges and opportunities present themselves to become more like Dez I will take them. As time goes on I think I will love and appreciate who I become.
Exiting the subway I was in a new section of New York I had never been. I’m guessing it was somewhere near Chinatown. Replacing the Kennedy’s Fried Chicken were signs I was unable to translate and the faces didn’t look like mine. As I made my way to the bus stop…yes It’s not taboo to ride the bus here…I walked past a group of people. One of them said break-dancer in reference to me. It made me smile. I guess I did look like a break-dancer though the only thing I could break was my neck. While for most this could’ve been taken offensively, to me it was the highest compliment.
Ok I don’t think she meant to but my mother created a new game. It’s called Beat the Bus. My mom gets restless and she hates waiting at bus stops. So if we make it to the bus stop and sit for more than a minute, she impatiently steps out into the street peering out in the direction the bus should be coming. Then she’ll say, “You want to walk up to the next stop?” So we walk up to the next stop and repeat the same game until the bus comes fast enough. You have to be very strategic otherwise you will watch as bus passes you. You also cannot be in a rush. But you’ll never know what you’ll find or see when you take time.
After missing a few buses I decided to wait. As I wait I read this article. Let me preface this by saying it’s extremely gross, offensive and why I say people make anything art. But I share this because this is the world I live in. A world we all live in and why a relationship with the Lord is key. Anyway this “artist” was praised because years ago he put a crucifix in urine and called it art. So for his latest art exhibit he photographed dookie, poop, feces, whatever you call it and put the pictures on display in a museum. He used many different mammals and humans. He says he was inspired because one day he thought he saw Jesus in his own feces and felt it was a sign. Yes I am being serious as was he and people are actually going to see this. So, for my next exhibit (because I think I’m going to be an artist) I plan to photograph…dandruff. All types. From different scalps. I plan to discover new types also. What do you think?? Gross I know.
Rehearsal was a trip. Too long of a story to explain here and especially if you don’t understand the history of certain forms of dance. I got picked to dance in this show at a festival but really didn’t have all the background details of what I was getting myself into. So I went and found out that I was going to be voguing and doing a tribute to Willy Ninja. Just a small history lesson. Voguing originated at these Underground Balls. It is a dance that is popular among gay men. It’s very popular. I mean Madonna made a whole song dedicated to it and if you have ever watched America’s Next Top Model and seen Benny Ninja you can see it. So dancers from these houses compete at these balls. Willy Ninja is from the house of Ninja and he passed away years ago. We were going to be doing a tribute to him.
Here was my dilemma. Because I know the history, if I danced in this show was I condoning homosexuality? Was I saying that I thought it was ok? Was I judging? Was this a place where the Lord had placed me to plant a seed? I wasn’t sure and I struggled because I want to always do the will of God. These are decisions that must be made when your gifting puts you in the entertainment industry. Sometimes you have to turn things down and other times you are supposed to shed light. Which one was it? I prayed, contemplated for days and talked to some wise counsel and stayed. In the end I didn’t even end up doing much voguing in the pieces we practiced. On top of that the day of the show it stormed bad and was canceled. But I met great people and was stretched in many ways.
I say this to say don’t judge people and the calling the Lord puts on their life. Jesus hung out with Pharisees, taxpayers, the sick, etc and He didn’t have to. You may look at people in certain industries and say how can they do this or that? They’re supposed to be a Christian. But what does that look like? Like Christ who dealt and loved all types of people. Because I stuck around I have developed some relationships with people who in the right time I will be able to minister to. I have gotten other gigs from some of the dancers I met.
On a lighter note I tried a falafel today for the first time. It tasted really good. I would’ve never had one but one of the dancers was a vegetarian and we decided to get something to eat after rehearsal. She is really nice and I think we could be friends. Yes! Finally! My first friend in New York. Ha ha.
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